"What If?" Revisited

Friday, 12 March 2004
0232 Zulu
Lucky Dream Palace
Falls Church, Virginia

Harm shuddered as he realized how miserable he seemed to be in his vision of his "road not taken".  He wondered if it would really have happened that way.  Had he and Mac acted on their feelings that fateful day in Sydney Harbour, would they now be headed for divorce court?  He felt a shiver run down his spine.  He glanced around the table and saw that all eyes were focused on Bud and Harriett as they opened their cookies together.  Harm's thoughts veered off again.  'I wonder what would have become of them had they not gotten married?'

Bud and Harriett, though, had a different thought.  They looked deeply in each other's eyes and knew they were both thinking the same thing.  'What if Bud had never gone back to sea?  What if he'd stayed home with his young family?  What if he'd never lost his leg? What if...'

Bud sat on the edge of the bed and consoled his wife.  "Honey, it's not the end of the world.  Iceland is an important location.  Admiral Morris wouldn't have suggested it otherwise."

"Oh, Bud, maybe you should have taken that assignment on the Seahawk two years ago when Admiral Chegwidden offered it to you."

"Honey, we agreed about that.  I didn't want to be that far away from you and little AJ."

"We didn't agree.  You made the decision."

"You went along with it."

"What else could I do?" she shrugged.  "You know, Lauren was promoted to Lieutenant Commander only four months after she took that assignment.  And now, after only two years, she's already a full Commander."

"Harriett, we knew that my not going to sea would probably put a cramp in my promotions.  But I'm being offered Lieutenant Commander now."

"I know.  And I'm proud of you.  I really am."

Bud sighed.  "But you don't want to go to Iceland."

Harriett shook her head.  "I really don't, Bud."

"And I don't want to go without you," he said.  "Well, I guess being a Lieutenant for a while longer isn't so bad."

They both heard Jen's laughter at the same time, bringing them back to reality.  Bud pulled his wife to him and kissed her.  "I love you," he whispered.

"And I love you."

Jennifer encouraged the Admiral into opening his cookie by offering to open hers at the same time.  They laughed as they found their fortunes were the same.  Harm watched the play between the two and wondered... what would have happened to Jen if she hadn't straightened out?  And what about the Admiral?  What if he hadn't stayed at JAG?  What if he'd gone ahead and married Meredith?  The thoughts of the subjects, though, were quite different.

Jennifer blinked back tears as she remembered leaving home at the tender age of 16.  'What would have happened to me if I'd stayed at home and finished high school?  What if I'd gone on to college like Dad wanted me to?  What if I'd just listened to him for once instead of always thinking he was wrong just because he was my father?  What if...'

"Steven, he's not going to bite.  He's my father and a minister, not an ogre," Jennifer tried to convince her boyfriend that meeting her only living parent wasn't such a bad thing.  They'd been dating for the last two years in college, and now that they were ready to graduate, Steve wanted to get married.

"Look, Jen, do we have to do this?"

"Yes, we do," Jen replied.  "My Dad is special to me.  And so are you.  And I want you two to know and love each other."

"Jen, one doesn't necessarily follow the other," Steve told her.

"I know that.  But I also know my father.  He isn't unreasonable."  Steve cocked his head and grinned.  "I know, I know... I complain about him now and then.  But really, he's a great person.  He just wants what's best for me.  And once I figured that out and stopped arguing with him about every little thing, we get along great!"

"Wish I got along with my dad," Steve mumbled.

"I can't imagine not being able to share things with Dad now.  It was hard all through high school.  I even thought about leaving and never going back.  But I decided to try and talk to him one more time... and this time I listened, too.  That's all it took.  I had to listen.  What he was asking wasn't so outlandish.  And he gave a little, and I gave a lot," she giggled, "and now we get along great."

Jennifer sighed, knowing she hadn't really given her father a chance.  'Maybe I should call him and tell him about my promotion.'

While Jennifer's thoughts were on her father, AJ's were concentrated on Laura Delaney.  'Laura, Laura... what if you'd listened to me for once?  What if you'd stayed away until everything was safe?  What if you'd never stepped on that landmine?  What if...'

"AJ!  Stop that!  I just got dressed!" Laura laughed as AJ's nimble fingers unbuttoned her blouse.

"So?  I'm undressing you," he murmured as he nibbled on her ear.

"You are so bad."

"You like it when I'm bad, remember?" he growled.

Laura laughed.  "If your underlings could see you now!  Who would believe that the Chief of Naval Operations is always late to parties because he can't keep his hands off of his wife!"

"None of 'em would blame me, Darlin'.  They all know you, remember?" AJ drawled as he finished pulling her blouse off her shoulders.  "Come here."

"AJ, really.  We are late," Laura tried to object as she laid her down on the bed.

"And we're going to be even later," he chuckled.

AJ blushed lightly as he pictured himself with Laura in his bed.  When he felt the rush of heat in his face, he blinked and looked around the table.  No one was staring at him, that was good.  No one even seemed to notice that his thoughts had been elsewhere.  'Whew,' he breathed a sigh of relief.  'Sure hope I can pick up where I left off when I get home, though,' he mused.  

It was Sturgis' turn now, and he balked at the idea of opening his fortune cookie.  "I can't.  I can only eat soy cookies because I'm allergic," he made his excuse.  Truth be told, he didn't want to think about the road not taken.  He knew what that road was.  His mouth quivered as he thought of Varise Chesnut.  He knew he was head over heels in love with her.  His father knew it, too.  So did Harm.  But they didn't know how stupid he'd been.  They didn't know that he hadn't called her since her concert on February 20.  She'd been so happy that he wanted to listen to the concert that day, and she'd readily agreed to leave her cell phone just off stage so he could hear her over the phone line.  But he had to disconnect it after only the first 10 minutes when Admiral Chegwidden appeared in his office. 

Sturgis knew he should have called her back that night at her hotel.  But he didn't.  And she hadn't called him.  He'd missed his chance with her, he was certain.  He saw her on television only last Friday night attending some gala function in DC on the arm of some other lucky man.  'Should have been me.  Would have been me... if only I'd called her back.  What if I had?  What if I had called her?  What if...' 

"Hello?" Varise's tired voice sounded over the wire.

"You were wonderful," Sturgis told her. 

"Sturgis!  Oh, I'm so glad you called.  When did you have to hang up?  How much did you get to hear?" she gushed.

"Only the first 10 minutes, I'm afraid.  The Admiral came in and I had to disconnect the line.  I'm sorry."

"Not as sorry as you're gonna be," she purred.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I dedicated a song to you tonight."

"You did?  Varise, that's just... lovely.  Really.  I'm... touched."  Sturgis swallowed over the lump in his throat.  "What song was it?"

"You sure you wanna know, Sturgis?" her voice was soft, almost to the point of whispering.

"Tell me."

" 'All or Nothing At All'," she replied.

"Oh, Baby..."

"Shall I sing it for you now?"  And she began, without waiting for his answer.  "When somebody loves you, it's no good unless he loves you - all the way..."

"When are you coming home?" Sturgis moaned.

"I'll be back in DC tomorrow night.  I arrive at National at 6:45."

"I'll be there waiting for you."

"And where will we go?" she teased him.

"Anywhere you want."

"And what will we do?"

"Anything you want, Baby," his voice was thick with emotion.

"And what will I wear?"

"Nothing, I hope."

Sturgis had a sheepish grin on his face as he heard the others at the table laughing.  When he looked around, he realized they weren't laughing at him.  Recovering from his thoughts, he said, "Colonel, you haven't cracked a cookie yet."  

"That's right, Mac," Harm agreed, egging her on. 

Mac rolled her eyes, reached for a cookie and opened it.  She read to herself the same fortune that everyone else had.  When she didn't read it aloud, however, Harm pressed the issue.  "It's silly," she declined.

"That's not what your face says, Mac," he teased.

"Fine!" she almost snapped.  She picked up the piece of paper and pretended to read, "Wherever you go, there you are."

Harm looked at her disbelievingly.  He was sure she'd made that up.  Surely she had the same fortune as everyone else.  His thoughts veered back to his pursuit of her.  Even in a dream, he didn't want to lose her to divorce.

Mac smiled as her own thoughts went back to the Admiral's bedroom, six years ago.  'What if he hadn't stopped?  What if we had kissed?  What if...'

"Sarah, how many times do I have to remind you?  This isn't the Marines!  This is private practice, and we're not a big fancy law firm!  If you don't take a case, you don't go to court, and you don't get paid.  We can't afford to pick and choose our clients.  You take the ones who walk through that door."  Her boss glared at her.  "You got that, Sister?"

Mac nodded.  "Yeah.  Sure."  She knew it was almost time for her weekly call to Leavenworth.  That was something she never missed.  It had cost her several positions in more prestigious firms, but she refused to miss Wednesday at 10:30.  That was the only time AJ could receive phone calls.  And she called him every week.  Without fail. 

She blamed herself for AJ's being incarcerated; after all, if she had just kept her mouth shut, no one would have heard them...  'Right.  That was a little difficult to do with his tongue...'  She shook her head to clear it of those old memories.  That was in the past.  She reached for the phone on her desk and dialed the number.  When she was finally connected to AJ, she said, "Hello, Admiral."

"Mac, how many times do I have to ask you to call me 'AJ'?" his gruff voice came over the wire.  "I'm not an Admiral anymore."

"You'll always be an Admiral to me, AJ," she whispered.

"Thank you, Mac."

"How are you?  Are you well?  Do you need anything?"

"I'm fine.  No, I don't need a thing."

"Are you sure?  I thought I'd take some time and drive over there next week..."

"No, Mac.  I'd rather you didn't."  He paused, hearing her small gasp.  "You need to make a life of your own now, Mac.  And I can't be in it."

"Why not?"

"You know why not, Mac.  I won't get out of here until August of 2013."

Mac gasped aloud.  Everyone turned to her with questions in their eyes.  She managed a half laugh and smile, saying, "Sorry.  I guess my road not taken was for the best."  The others chuckled, and she chanced a glance at the Admiral.  He looked back into her eyes and smiled.  He nodded slightly, enough to let her know he knew what "road" she'd thought of.

Once everyone took their last sip of beverage, they rose from the table and headed for the door... everyone except Harm.  Noticing that he was still sitting there, AJ turned back to him and said, "We're ready to go; are you with us?" 

"Yes, Sir," Harm replied.  He heard Mac mention forgetting her coat, so he offered, "I'll get it."  He picked up the slip of paper that was her fortune and read those piercing words that he knew would haunt him.  Then he grabbed her coat and handed it to her.

"Thanks," she smiled as she took her coat from him.  Seeing the strange expression on his face, she asked, "You okay?"

"Yeah.  Just pondering the road not taken," he replied.  Mac smiled and headed toward the door.  "Yet," he added under his breath.

The end.