The Top Ten
Author: Ava
E-mail: mmmThatAJ@yahoo.comRating: PG-13
Disclaimer: JAG and all its characters belong to Belisarius Productions, Paramount, CBS, Viacom, and probably endless others.
Summary: The JAG team goes on a picnic, but things really don't go well. My response to Jean's challenge on the DogTagsJAGMature site for a story including the "top 10 lines you will never hear on JAG", as written by Janna. The 10 lines are underscored.
Author's comments: Characters' speaking parts are in double quotes ("text"); characters' thoughts are in single quotes ('text').
1045 EST
James Lee Park
Falls Church, Virginia"Perfect day for a picnic!" exclaimed Harriett as she unrolled the plastic table covering over the picnic tables. "It's sunny, 78 degrees, not a cloud in sight! It's going to be a wonderful day; I can just feel it!"
"I hope you're right, Honey," said her husband, Bud. "I still can't understand why you felt you had to invite the SecNav to our picnic, though. He and the Admiral are still at odds with each other."
"Exactly why I invited him. This is a casual setting, and it'll give them the opportunity to resolve their differences away from the pressures of the office," Harriett replied.
"Harriett, it doesn't work that way..." Bud tried to explain.
"Sure it does. We just have to get them off by themselves where they depend on each other, and they'll resolve it."
"Okay, Sweetie. Whatever you say."
They both looked up to see Harm and Mac heading toward them with little AJ in between them. "Mommy! Daddy! Look what Unca Harm and Auntie Mac gave me!" little AJ jerked his hands free from his godparents and ran to his mother. He held out his left arm and proudly displayed a brand-new watch to his parents.
"Wow! That's quite an impressive watch, AJ," said Bud.
"It tells time!" little AJ announced.
"Does it really? What time does it say it is now?" asked his mother.
Little AJ pushed the button on the left side of his new watch. A computerized voice said "Ten-Fifty-one."
Little AJ parroted seriously, "It's Ten-Fifty-one!" Little AJ looked up when he heard laughter. "Adm'l! Adm'l!" he cried and went running up the hill to greet Admiral Chegwidden. The Admiral set the cooler down on the ground just as his namesake reached him. AJ scooped the little tyke up into his arms and swung him around. "Wheeee!" the child squealed in delight. When AJ set him down, the little boy ran back to Bud. "Did you see me, Daddy? Did you see Adm'l swing me?"
The adults were laughing. "Yes, Son, I saw you. The Admiral swings really well, doesn't he?"
Little AJ turned around and ran back to the Admiral. "I he'p!" The little boy starting taking things out of the cooler that AJ set on the ground.
"Not just yet, Boy," AJ said. "We're not ready to eat, and these things need to stay cold. So we'll leave them in the cooler for a while, okay?"
"Okay," said little AJ.
As Harriett and Mac continued to set up the tables for the picnic, Gunny and Tiner arrived with their dates and Sturgis surprised everyone by bringing Congresswoman Bobbi Latham. "Harm, did you know they're seeing each other?" asked Mac.
"I introduced them. Didn't know they were dating yet, though," Harm replied.
"Damn. Here comes Singer. I was really hoping she'd stay home today," Mac said as she saw Lauren making her way down the hill toward the group.
"Good morning, everyone!" she called, hanging on to her new boyfriend's arm. "Beautiful day for a picnic, isn't it?"
"It was," muttered Mac.
"Oh my God," whispered Harm urgently.
"What?" Mac looked up. "Oh no. What is he doing here?"
Harriett heard Mac's question, and looking up saw the SecNav and his wife making their way down the hill toward the group of JAG personnel. "Mr. Secretary! Mrs. Nelson! I'm so glad you were able to join us today. Welcome to the JAG picnic!"
As Harriett spoke, AJ looked up and saw his nemesis. "Damn! What the hell is he doing here?" he muttered to himself.
"You invited him, Sir," whispered Bud to his CO.
"I what?!" AJ almost exploded. He jerked his hand in just such a way that his finger got caught on the grill. "Ohhh, dammit, I broke a nail!" he exclaimed as he sucked his finger in his mouth.
When he pulled it out, Bud could see the blood. "Sir, I don't think you broke it. I think you tore it off! I'll get the first aid kit."
Meanwhile, Mrs. Nelson said, "You must be Harriett. Thank you very much for extending the Admiral's invitation to the picnic. Alexander and I are delighted to be here. Aren't we, Dear?" she elbowed her husband in the ribs.
"Delighted. Yes. Just delighted," Nelson nodded. He looked over to AJ and yelled, "Thanks for the invitation, AJ. The wife and I haven't been on a picnic in years."
"I wonder why..." muttered AJ. "Glad you could make it!" he yelled back.
"Mr. Secretary, I thought perhaps you and the Admiral would like to cook the meat for us," said Harriett.
"Cook?" Nelson said incredulously.
"Alexander? Cook? Oh, that's rich!" exclaimed his wife. "Yes, Alexander, do. I would love to see you cook something. Anything. Go on now," she shooed him over toward the grill.
"Do you want fries with that?" muttered Nelson as he walked away.
Bobbi elbowed Sturgis. "Look," she whispered, nodding toward Mac and Harm who were walking along the path, hand-in-hand. "I can't believe they are finally getting together."
Sturgis shook his head. "Don't ask me. Every time I stick my nose in, Harm lets me know in no uncertain terms that there's nothing there."
"Oh, it's there. It's been there for years! They've just never admitted it. But you know, I'll just bet Harm is finally getting his head of his six and doing something right for a change."
Just then, Mac snatched her hand away from Harm and almost slapped him. "You jerk!" she cried, turned and stormed back toward the group.
Bobbi shook her head. "Of course, I *could* be wrong..."
"Mac!" Harm yelled after her. "Mac, I didn't mean it that way!"
Little AJ heard Mac's voice and then heard Harm calling her. She was headed his way, so AJ ran to her and literally jumped in her arms. "Auntie Mac!"
"Hello, Sweetheart. How's my favorite sailor?" Mac said loud enough for Harm to hear.
"Am I, Auntie Mac? Am I your favorite sailor?"
"Of course you are, AJ. Who else would be my favorite sailor?" she said as she shifted him in her arms and walked toward Harriett and Mrs. Nelson.
Little AJ saw someone new who hadn't seen his watch yet. "See what Unca Harm and Auntie Mac gave me?" he stretched his right arm out to show Mrs. Nelson. "It's gone! It's gooone!" he started to cry.
"No, Sweetie. It's on your other arm," cooed Mac gently and pulled his other arm from around her neck. "See? Here it is."
Little AJ's tears stopped as quickly as they started, and he proudly showed off his new watch, pressing the button so that the voice said, "Eleven-Thirty-five."
"It's eleven-thirty-five," the little boy announced to the delight of the women.
AJ and Nelson successfully cooked the burgers and hotdogs, and everyone served their plates. After they ate, Gunny, Tiner, and Lauren's boyfriend decided to play Frisbee. Because the six of them had eaten together, this left the three women sitting at the table to chat.
"I guess she didn't show up," said Gunny's girlfriend.
"Must not have had the nerve," said Tiner's girlfriend.
"Who?" asked Lauren.
"Oh, there's a real witch at their office, apparently. She lies through her teeth. Anything to get ahead."
"Jason says she's about as callous as they come."
"And manipulative. Do you know that she took the credit for getting information for one of the senior officers when Victor actually did all the work? He knew then what kind of person he was dealing with... and he's been careful ever since."
"Jason says she goes around the office saying she intends to be the first female JAG! Can you believe it?" The two women laughed. When Lauren didn't join in the laughter, they looked at her strangely. "Is something wrong?"
Lauren spat, "Wrong? I've just realized I'm a callous, lying, manipulative witch. What could possibly be wrong?" She got up and stormed away.
"Oh God! That was her?!" "Victor will be so angry at me!!" the women said. They watched as Lauren claimed her boyfriend from the Frisbee game and left the park.
AJ and Nelson were cleaning up the grill and spreading out the charcoal to douse the fire, when AJ smelled something foul. 'No, it couldn't be,' he thought. Several minutes later, they were piling the leftover hamburgers and hotdogs in the cooler when AJ smelled it, again. 'That's disgusting.'
Mrs. Nelson walked over to help put the food away. She sniffed the air, then said, "Alexander, the rest rooms are right over there." She pointed behind her.
"What makes you think I need to know where the rest rooms are, Dear?" he asked casually.
"Believe me, Alexander. After all these years, I know when you need a rest room," she smirked as she walked away.
Nelson excused himself and headed in the direction his wife had pointed. As he got a good 20 feet away, AJ said quietly, "Mr. Secretary, did you just fart?"
Nelson stopped in his tracks and turned around. "Yes, in fact, Admiral. I did." He turned back and continued on to the rest room.
"Oops," said AJ, grinning.
When Nelson returned, he claimed his wife, thanked Harriett, and said their goodbyes.
"Oh, but Sir, we have games planned for later. Surely you can stay for a while longer?"
"Not this time, Harriett. Thank you for including us," Mrs. Nelson said as she followed her husband up the hill.
"Daddy! Look!" little AJ screamed, causing everyone to look at the little boy. He was pointing up in the sky. "Daddy! Look! Come and look!!"
Bud followed his son's gaze, as did everyone else. "Wow. That's really something, AJ," said his father.
"Spaceship! It's a spaceship, Daddy! Just like on TV," gushed the little boy.
"No, AJ, it's not a spaceship."
"Spaceship!" he insisted. "I saw a spaceship! I saw a spaceship!" AJ danced around in circles until he was dizzy and fell to the ground. He got up and ran to the Admiral. "I saw a spaceship, Adm'l!" Before the Admiral had a chance even to reply, little AJ ran to Harm and told him the same thing. Then he ran to Mac and his mother. Finally, he was back at his father's side. "I saw a spaceship, Daddy!"
Bud squatted down to his son's level. "No, Son, that wasn't a spaceship this time."
"It was!"
"No, I think that was just a weather balloon," Bud told him.
"What's that?" his son asked.
As Bud proceeded to explain weather balloons to his young son, Harriett and Bobbi finished packing up the leftover food. Mac poured herself another soda and picked up their conversation. Suddenly Bobbi said, "Oh God, I forgot! I have to be at the White House at 2:30. Where's Sturgis?" She looked around.
Harriett asked, "1430? But that's so early! We have activities planned into the evening."
Mac, seeing little AJ approach, replied, "Uh... what time is it, anyway?"
Little AJ proudly pushed the button on his watch. "One-Forty-three."
"1:43? What kind of time is that?" barked the Admiral. "Aren't you teaching my namesake how to tell *real* time?"
"Uh oh," said Mac. "That's one thing we didn't think about when we bought the watch! It doesn't tell military time."
Harriett laughed. "It's fine. He needs to learn both. So, his watch will help him with regular time, and the clock in his room will help him with military time."
Suddenly they heard Harm yell, "Truth, schmuth! We don't need no stinkin' truth!" Then he and Sturgis burst into laughter.
"I couldn't believe you said that to an officer!" Sturgis returned.
"I thought for sure I was out on my ear for that one," said Harm.
"You're not kidding. We all thought that! I mean, you really lost it that day!"
"Could you blame me?"
"No man! That was great!" Sturgis slapped Harm on the back, and their voices calmed down enough that the others couldn't hear the rest.
"What was that all about?" asked Harriett.
"I have no idea," replied Mac.
"I do. Now I know where I'd seen Rabb before. He was the jerk at the Academy who mouthed off to me when I was making a speech about JAG," said the Admiral in a very quiet tone. "Finally found him..."
They all knew that tone, too. It was a dangerous tone. Rabb was going to pay for that comment... even if it was a very long time ago when he made it... originally.
Bobbi and Sturgis left a few minutes later, much to Harriett's chagrin. 'I thought I made it clear to everyone that the picnic lasted all day?' she complained to herself. "Okay, everyone! Let's start the games!" Harriett called.
"Games! Games!" cried little AJ excitedly.
Just as everyone was gathering around and taking seats on the benches, blanket, and folding chairs, Harm looked up to see Clayton Webb walking down the hill toward them. "How did he find us?" Harm asked.
"He called about an hour ago; said he needed to talk to us," said Mac. "I told him we were at the park."
Webb called out to them as he approached. "How quaint. A company picnic."
"What do you want, Webb?" asked Harm.
"Need to talk to you. Mac and the Admiral, too," Webb replied.
They all rose and followed Webb to a picnic table away from the others. "Okay, talk," said the Admiral. "What's so important that you had to come out here on a holiday and interrupt Harriett's picnic?"
"Or can't you tell us because it's 'need to know' and we don't need to know?" quipped Harm.
"Harm, give it a rest. Let him talk," chided Mac.
"I need you two for an undercover assignment. It's not dangerous, but it's in Turkey," Webb said.
"Are you out of your mind?" asked Harm.
Mac interrupted. "Harm, if you'll let Webb talk, he'll give us the details. Won't you Webb?"
Webb grinned. "Sure, pull up a chair. I'll tell you everything."
"Yeah, right. And why don't I believe that?" asked Harm.
Webb proceeded to explain the assignment, and the Admiral agreed to their participation. They made their way back over to the others, and made their excuses for leaving.
Webb said, "Look I'm sorry to break up your little picnic, but they have to be ready to leave in three hours. And I would assume they'll want to get a few things from home. And I know they need some files from the office."
"Tiner, you'll secure the files and meet them at Andrews," ordered the Admiral.
"Aye, aye, Sir," Tiner replied quickly. "Come on, Linda; we're leaving now." He rose and helped his girlfriend up.
"Gunny, I'm going to need your help," Mac said. Gunny rose and walked to another table with Mac as she explained what she needed from him.
"Come on, Babe," Gunny said to his girlfriend a moment later. "We're outta here. I'll drop you at your place, and then I have to go to the office. I'll swing back by later..." he said as they walked away.
"Is anyone staying?" asked Harriett, as everyone else headed up the hill.
"I don't think so, Honey. It looks like everyone is leaving now," Bud said.
"But the picnic; I've got all these things planned. We were going to..."
"Honey, sometimes things don't work out like we planned."
"Nothing ever works out like we planned, Bud!" she complained.
"Sweetie, that's not true. Look at... Well, take... Umm..." Bud stuttered, trying to remember an event that did go off as planned with no interruptions. He couldn't think of one. Not even one! "We'll do it, again, Harriett. Maybe it'll turn out better next time."
"That sucks. You suck. This whole @*!?@$ world just sucks!!!" Harriett burst into tears, grabbed her son, and ran for their car.
"You're not kidding," said Bud as he looked around and realized that he was the only one left to carry all the picnic paraphernalia back up the hill.
The end.
