Thursday, 29 August 2002
0443 EDT
Sarah MacKenzie's Apartment
Georgetown, Washington, DC

Mac was surprised to hear the knock on her door.   She had assumed Tom would be late.   Most men she knew were... well, except Admiral Chegwidden.   She grinned to herself, 'Maybe that's what it takes to be an Admiral:   know how to be on time!'

She opened the door and found Tom standing there with a smile on his face.   "Good morning," he said quietly.   "You about ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be, I guess," she replied.   "You going straight to your office when you drop me off?" she asked, wondering at his being in uniform so early.

"Not dropping you off, Sarah.   I'm staying."   Tom saw her bag sitting by the sofa, so he stepped inside and picked it up.   "Anything else?" he asked.

"No, that's it," she replied, surprised.   "Tom, you don't have to do that; you don't have to stay."

"I know.   But I want to.   You shouldn't be alone."

"Well, at least you can leave once they take me into surgery," she said.

"No, Sarah.   I plan to stay all day... be there when you wake up.   Surgery is never fun.   It makes it a little bit easier if there's a familiar face around when you come to."

"Oh, Tom, really, you don't have to do this..." Mac argued, all the while hoping he wouldn't change his mind.

"You ready to go?" he changed the subject.   Mac nodded.   "Okay.   Let's roll."

As they stepped outside, it began to rain.  "Figures," muttered Mac as she climbed in Tom's car.

The ride to Bethesda was a quiet one.   Mac didn't say anything, so neither did Tom.   But the silence was a comfortable one.   Finally, just as they arrived at the hospital, Mac asked, "Why did you wear your uniform if you're not going in today?"

Tom grinned.   "You'll get much faster attention this morning when they see my stars, Sarah."

She almost giggled.   "Shame on you."

Tom cocked his head to one side.   "Nah.   No shame in me whatsoever!" he laughed.

His laugh was contagious, and Mac found herself joining him.   'It feels so good to laugh again,' she realized.

'Harm's right.   She is gorgeous when she laughs,' Tom thought to himself.   'Don't start that now, Boone.   She's Harm's girl.   Keep your thoughts in check.'

Tom grabbed Mac's bag from the back seat and walked around the car to open Mac's door.   She was already out of the car, though, so he just put his hand on her elbow and escorted her inside.   "Thank you," she whispered.

"My pleasure," he returned.

They entered the hospital, and sure enough, there was someone to take care of Mac's paperwork immediately... as soon as they saw Admiral Boone, that is.   Once that work was complete, a young nurse escorted them to a large room with divider curtains between each bed area.   There was a radio station playing over the speakers, very softly.   'Must be supposed to calm us,' reasoned Mac.

The nurse instructed Mac, "Go ahead and change into your surgical gown now, if you would, please.   The anesthesiologist will be in to chat with you in about 15 minutes.   Then I'll be back in to shave you.   You'll have about 10 minutes with your husband after that until I come back and take you into the OR."

Before Mac could reply, the nurse disappeared out of the curtained area.   "Sorry about that," she said, blushing slightly.   "They should know that I'm not married.   It's on my chart."

Tom grinned.   "Not a problem, Sarah.   In fact, if they knew I wasn't your husband, they might not let me be in here with you now."

"They would," she said.   "The doctor told me that I could bring someone to sit with me while I wait."

"But you didn't want to," he said matter-of-factly.   She shook her head.   Tom noticed Mac's eyes beginning to fill with tears.   "Well, I guess we'd better get you dressed in your hospital gown, hmm?" he teased, trying to relieve some of her tension.

Mac's eyes widened.   "We?"

He grinned wolfishly.   Then he quickly turned and looked for the split in the curtains.   "I'll just step outside.   Let me know when you're..."

"No!" she interrupted.   Tom turned back to face Mac, a question in his eyes.   "Stay.   Please," she said in a small voice.

"Sarah, I should really..."

"Just turn around.   That'll be fine," she said.

"If you're sure," he said turning around to face the curtain.   He heard the rustle of Mac's clothes, and in seconds she said she was decent.   He turned back around to find Mac folding her clothes and putting them in her bag.   She bent over and set it back on the floor.   "I don't know that I'd call that decent, Sarah," he chuckled as he watched her, her naked butt showing through the back of the hospital gown.

Mac stood and blushed, grabbing the back of the gown in her hands.   "Oops.   I forgot about that."   Mac pulled the sheet back on the bed and sat down.   She swung her feet up on the bed and scooted back, pulling the top sheet over her.   "You can sit; there's room," she said as she moved her legs over to one side.

Tom sat and picked up Mac's hand as though it was the most natural thing in the world.   "You doing okay, Mac?"

"Yeah, I guess," she said in a shaky voice.

"Do you know your surgeon?   Trust him?"

"I don't really know him that well, but my regular doctor recommends him highly.   So I guess I trust him."

"What's his name?   Maybe I've heard of him," said Tom.

"Commander Jamaleddeen."

"Jamaleddeen?   No, I don't know that I've ever heard that name."

"Doesn't surprise me.   He's a specialist."

A female voice called through the curtain. "Colonel MacKenzie, are you decent?"

"Yes!" she replied.

A tiny woman pulled the curtain apart and stepped inside, her eyes glued to the chart she was holding.   "Good morning, Colonel."   She looked up from the chart then and saw Tom.   "Admiral!   Good morning, Sir."   She flushed slightly, having not seen him earlier.   'Have to watch that!' she scolded herself.

"Good morning," Mac and Tom said at the same time.

"I'm Lieutenant Commander Thompson, and I'll be your anesthesiologist during surgery today."   The doctor went through the file with Mac, ensuring that all the information she had was correct.   She verified medications and explained what kind of anesthesia she would be administering for the surgery.   "Now, as Dr. Jamaleddeen explained to you, I'll keep you under while the lab examines the outside tissue.   That should take about 20 minutes.   If we get an 'all clear', he'll close you up, and I'll bring you out.   If not, and he has to go further, you'll be under a longer time.   You shouldn't feel a big difference when I bring you out; it'll just take a mite longer to wake up.   Try not to fight it as you wake up."   As she spoke, Mac squeezed Tom's hand harder and harder.  

When the doctor left, Mac realized what a vice grip she held on Tom's hand.   "Oh!" she exclaimed, releasing his hand.   "I'm sorry.   Did I hurt your hand?"

Tom chuckled.   "No, Sarah, you didn't hurt it."   He looked at her with concern in his eyes.   From what the anesthesiologist had said, he deduced that Mac had cancer, and this surgery was an attempt to remove it.   She still hadn't told him anything though, so he kept his suspicions to himself.   But he determined that once Mac went into surgery, he was going to find out about this Dr. Jamaleddeen.

The nurse came back in next; she had a tray with a razor and a pan of water.   "You ready for a nice clean shave?" she asked. She set the tray on the table.

"Do you have to do that?" she whispered.

"Oh, yes.   Hey, you might find you and your husband actually like it better clean shaven.   Some women keep themselves shaved, you know."   She grinned at Tom, but spoke to Mac as she pulled the sheet back off Mac.   She was just about to lift Mac's gown as she spoke, "He won't get a mouth full of..."

"Ensign!" Tom interrupted her.   "If you'll check Colonel MacKenzie's file, you'll find that she is not married.   That would obviously mean that I am not her husband."   The young nurse gasped.   "Besides that, I'd suggest you refresh your memory on the proper way to address superior officers," he snapped.

"My apologies, Admiral.   Colonel," she said in a small voice.

"Mac, I'll step outside for a minute."   He saw her eyes flash with what he decided must be fear, so he quickly said, "I'll be right outside the curtain Sarah.   As soon as you're covered again, I'll come back in."

She nodded, and Tom stepped through the curtains.   The nurse addressed Mac.   "Colonel, I am so sorry.   I just assumed..."

"It's okay," Mac said.

"No, it's not, Ma'am.   I should never have assumed the Admiral was your husband.   I should have checked your chart."

"It's okay, really," Mac assured the young woman.   When she finished shaving Mac's pelvic area, she pulled the sheet back over her.   "Tom?" Mac called.

"Right here, Sarah," he called back.

"You can come back in now."

He pulled the curtains apart and stepped back through.   As the nurse gathered her things, she explained, "I'll be back in about 10 minutes to take you up to surgery.   Admiral, you won't be able to go with her at that point.   But we have a surgery waiting room that's closer to where she'll be.   I'll have someone take you there while I'm taking the Colonel into the OR."

"That'll be fine, Ensign," he replied.

The nurse left and Tom sat down on the edge of the bed.   "You okay?" he asked gently.

Mac shook her head.   "I can't do this."   She threw the sheet back and started to climb out of the bed.  

Tom grabbed her before she'd gotten up and pulled her into his arms.   He held her tightly against his chest and ran his hands up and down her back, soothing her.   When she'd finally settled down, he spoke to her.   "Sarah, let's settle you back now."   He released his hold on her, and she immediately burst into tears.   "You can do this."

"No, I can't!.   I just can't!" she cried.

"And here I thought jarheads prided themselves on being the bravest..." he ran his hand up and down her back as he teased her.

"You don't understand.   No one will want me when it's over.   I'll be repulsive..."

"Sarah, there's no way you could ever be repulsive."

"You don't understand," she repeated.

"Then help me understand, Sarah," he prodded gently, thinking she must be having a mastectomy.   'That has to be it.   But wait... what would they have had to shave for that?'

She shook her head.   "I can't," she sobbed.   "I just can't."   Tom didn't say another word; he just held her close and rubbed her back.   They sat on her bed for another few minutes when they heard a song begin playing over the speaker.   "Oh God, not that again," she groaned.

"What?" he queried, not sure to what she was referring.

"That song."   They sat and listened to it.

You don’t wanna smile; it’s been this way for a while; got nothing good to say.
Friends are calling, but you don’t pick up the phone.
You don’t wanna laugh; you tore your diary in half; you never leave your room.
Your days are cloudy, and you spend your nights alone.

Oh, Sarah!  You’ll find the sun; a little rain falls on everyone.
Oh, Sarah!  Come out and play; it’s a big old world; it’s a brand new day.

You don’t wanna dance; the music holds no romance; you can’t find the beat.
Your heart is heavy, and love is a sad, sad song.
You don’t wanna sing; the words, they don’t mean a thing; you’ve lost the melody.
The party’s over, and maybe you stayed too long.

Oh, Sarah!  You’ll find the sun; a little rain falls on everyone.
Oh, Sarah!  Come out and play; it’s a big old world; it’s a brand new day.

Ohhh, it’s never easy letting go.
Ohhh, healing a heart can be so slow.

Sarah!  You’ll find the sun; a little rain falls on everyone.
Oh, Sarah!  Come out and play; it’s a big old world.  Oh, it’s a brand new day.
Oh, Sarah!  Come out and play; it’s a big old world; it’s a brand new day.

When the song ended, Mac was sobbing again.   Tom wasn't quite sure what to say now.   He wasn't used to comforting a crying woman.   It had been years since he was close to a woman.   '35 years, in fact.'   He decided to joke about the song.   "So Sarah, did you tear your diary in half?"

She looked up at him with teary eyes.   "Huh?"

"The song said you tore your diary in half.   Did you?"

She giggled, but it came out more of a hiccup.   "No.   I don't have a diary."

"Didn't think so," he said.   "Well, I know you answered the phone when I called last night, so that doesn't fit."   His tone didn't leave room for her to tell him that she hadn't been taking phone calls from her friends since June.   Of course, he already knew that.   Harm and the others had mentioned it on Friday night at McMurphy's.  He'd actually been rather surprised that she answered the phone last night.   He put his finger on his temple as though he was thinking hard about something.   "Go to a party recently?"

"Party?   No.   I haven't gone anywhere in months... well, except for the beach with you," she replied.

"Okay, so you didn't stay too long at a party."   He shook his head.   "Strike three!   Nope.   Song has to be about some other Sarah."

Mac tried to smile.   "Tom, I..."

She was interrupted when the nurse came back through the curtains, startling them.   Tom released Mac quickly.   "Time to go!" the nurse said.

"No!" cried Mac.   "No, I've changed my mind.   I'm not doing this."   Mac started to get out of the bed, but Tom grabbed her again.

He looked at the nurse and said, "Give us a couple more minutes."

"Yes, Sir," the nurse agreed instantly and left.

"Sarah," he turned back to Mac before the nurse was even gone.   "You're going to have this surgery, whatever it is, and you're going to come through it fine.   I'm going to be waiting for the doctor to come out and tell me that everything went well, and you'll be waking up in no time."   He pulled her close to him.

"Cancer," she whispered.   "I have cancer."

Tom nodded.   "Kinda figured that," he replied gently, kissing the top of her head.

She put her arms around his waist and buried her face deeply in his chest.   "I'll be so ugly."

"That's not true, Sarah.   You won't be ugly.   You could never be ugly," he soothed.

She looked up into his face, tears shining in her eyes.   "I wish that were true."

"I know it is," he assured her, kissing her forehead.   "Now, are you ready for the nurse to take you up?"

She nodded slowly.

"Okay."   He stood up and drew the curtain apart.   "She's ready now," he said to the waiting nurse.  

The nurse nodded and stepped up to Mac's bed.   She raised the side bars and released the brakes on the bed, then began wheeling it out of the large room.   She got just to the door, when Mac called out, "Tom!"

He walked over to her quickly.   "I'm right here, Sarah."   Mac reached her hand out and Tom took it in his.  

"You're going to stay?" she asked him.  He nodded.  "And you'll be there when I wake up?"

Tom leaned over the bar and squeezed her hand.   "Most definitely.   And when you're well enough after the surgery, I'm going to take you dancing.   And we'll disprove another piece of that song," he smiled.  

Mac smiled through her teary eyes.   "I love to dance."  

Neither of them expected it, but Tom found himself leaning farther over the rail and placing his lips over Mac's tenderly.   The kiss was sweet and gentle... and lingering.   And as she was wheeled away, a smile remained on both of their faces.

Thursday, 29 August 2002
0730 EDT
Bethesda Naval Hospital
Bethesda, Maryland

Tom looked at his watch again.  '0730.  Well, I guess they're actually starting the surgery about now.'  He knew Mac was scared.  Nervous.  It was only natural.  But why was she so convinced that no one would want her after this?  He wondered again where her cancer was.

'Better call the office and let them know I'm not coming in,' he decided.  He picked up the guest phone and dialed his Pentagon office.  'Why the hell didn't I just stay retired?' he wondered.  

"Admiral Boone's office, Petty Officer Krauss speaking," a feminine voice answered.

"Boone here, Krauss.  I won't be in the office today.  What's on my schedule?"

"Good morning, Sir.  You have a meeting with Larson, one with Temple, and one with the SecNav, Admiral."

"Damn, I forgot about that one.  Well, move Larson and Temple to next week, and try to do the same with Nelson.  If he balks, make it tomorrow."

"Very good, Sir.  And you had a lunch appointment with Commander Rabb."

"Cancel that one.  Tell him I was unavoidably detained and that I'll get up with him over the weekend."

"Aye, aye, Sir.  Will you be reachable by cell today, Admiral?" she asked.

"No, cell phones aren't permitted in here; I see signs everywhere.  I'm at Bethesda.  If there's something so urgent that it absolutely cannot wait until tomorrow, call and have me paged."

"I hope it's nothing serious, Sir," his yeoman said softly.  

"A friend of mine is having surgery; she's in there now," he explained.

'She?'  Patty Krauss hadn't liked Admiral Boone very much to start with.  But he was growing on her.  He was often short and cold to her, but she soon realized that he was that way with everyone.  It wasn't really coldness, it was just the way he was.  He didn't mix business with pleasure.  She'd never heard him mention a woman in his life... until now.  She was intrigued, and at the same time, she was concerned.  "Do you think you'll take tomorrow off, too, Sir?" she asked.

"I don't know at this point, Krauss.  Depends on the outcome, I guess."

"I'll move the SecNav to next week, Sir... and I won't take 'no' for an answer," she said firmly.  "If you need anything, Admiral, please feel free to call me," she replied.  "I'll be glad to help in any way I can, Sir."

"Actually, there is something you can do.  Get me the low-down on a Commander Jamaleddeen.  He's a doctor here at Bethesda."

"Dr. Jamaleddeen, Sir?  Why, he's a gynecologic oncologist, Admiral.  He did the surgery on my mother last year.  He's an excellent surgeon, Sir," she assured him.

"A gynecologic oncologist?" he choked out.  'Oh God!  Not again!'

Patty misunderstood his repeating the term as a question.  Thinking he didn't understand what the specialty was, she explained, "A gynecologic oncologist is an OB/GYN who specializes in treating women with cancer of the reproductive organs, Admiral."

"Patty, I hate to ask this, but I really don't want to leave the hospital.  Especially now..."

Patty was surprised.  She didn't remember the Admiral ever calling her by her given name before.  'He must really be upset.'  "Not a problem, Sir.  Please... what can I do?"

"Flowers.  Have a dozen roses sent over here.  I'll write the card when they get here.  I want to have..."

"Admiral," she interrupted.  "I'll be happy to order flowers, Sir, but are you aware that you can get them right there?  In the gift shop... it's on the first floor, just off the lobby entrance."

"Here?  I can just buy them right here and have them now?" he asked for confirmation.

"Yes, Sir."

"Thanks, Patty," he said as he hung up, further surprising Patty.  He had never thanked her for anything before.  He didn't thank people for doing their jobs; he just expected it.

Tom paced back and forth in the waiting room.  Now that he knew what type of cancer it was, he knew where Mac's fear was coming from.  Most likely, she was having a hysterectomy.  Tom stared out the window.  Did all women feel this way?  That if they could no longer bear children, they weren't a real woman?  They weren't attractive anymore?  "That's absurd!" he said aloud to no one.  But then, he realized, it had been the same with Sally 35 years ago.  And because of his callousness then, he'd lost her.  He wasn't going to make that mistake again.  Not with Mac.  'Wait a minute!  What am I thinking?  Sarah isn't mine to start with!'  He shook his head.  'Sure hope Rabb is more sensitive than I was.'

A nurse stepped into the waiting room and asked if she could get him a cup of coffee.  He didn't reply to that; instead he asked, "How do I find the gift shop?"

"I'm heading down that way myself, Sir.  They're just opening for the day. Why don't you just come with me, and I'll show you the way," she suggested.

Tom agreed.  They walked in silence, and when they reached the gift shop, Tom went straight to the cooler containing the flowers.  He looked through the assortment, and found exactly what he wanted:  a dozen roses in a glass vase.  The roses were different colors, and there were greens filling out the arrangement.  It was perfect.  He took it to the counter and picked up a card and envelope.  After he paid for the flowers, he returned to the waiting room.  

The nurse who had escorted him downstairs saw him return, and she went back inside.  "Admiral?"  Then she saw the flowers.  "Oh, those are just lovely.  She'll like those, I'm sure," the nurse smiled.  Tom didn't reply.  "Would you like that cup of coffee now, Sir?" she asked again.

"Black," he nodded.

"Doughnut or Danish?" she asked.

"No, just coffee."

"I'll be right back, Admiral."

Tom sat back down and tried to come up with just the right words to write on the card for Mac.  His thoughts drifted back 35 years.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Sally's eyes were full of tears.  "They're going to do a hysterectomy.   They're going to take out everything that makes me a woman," she cried.

"Don't be ridiculous, Sally," Tom said.  "A uterus isn't what makes you a woman.  Your boobs do that!" he teased.  "They take those away, and then you won't be a woman," he laughed.  He hadn't really meant it.  It was a just a joke.  

"Oh, Tommy!" she wailed.  He was unable to comfort her then.  He tried to pull her close to him, and she just turned away.  "Leave me alone.  Just go away," she cried.

And he had.  He figured that she'd come around after the surgery; she'd realize how silly she was being.  And then everything would be okay.  They'd get married, just like they planned.  So what if she couldn't have children?  He didn't like the little brats anyway.  What he never anticipated was the outcome of her surgery.  

"We couldn't get it all, Lieutenant," the doctor told him.  "I'm sorry."

"What does that mean?" Tom asked.

"It means the cancer is spreading.  It wasn't localized as we thought."

It didn't take long either.  It was only a matter of 4 months before Sally was back in surgery.  Tom was on carrier duty.  When his letters were returned unopened, he knew something was wrong... very wrong.  His 6-month tour finally over, he headed for Sally's place... only to find someone else occupying her apartment.  

He called her parents' house and learned that Sally was living back at home.  But she wouldn't talk to him.  She wouldn't see him.  He decided the only way he'd see her was to plant himself on their doorstep.  So that's what he did.  He sat there for 2 entire days, only getting up to relieve himself in the bushes.  Sally's little brother took pity on him and gave him food.  

Sally finally agreed to see him.  Her mother showed him into the living room, and he waited.  He heard Sally's father coming down the stairs.  He assumed Sally would follow, so he stood up expectantly.  Sally's father walked in carrying her in his arms.  He set her down on the recliner, glared at Tom, and left the room.

"Sally?  You don't look so good, Babe," Tom blurted out without thinking.

Sally's eyes immediately filled with tears.  "I'm not so good, Tommy.  What do you want?  Why are you here?"

"Sally, I love you.  I'm sorry I wasn't here... I..."

She interrupted him.  "You don't know, do you?"

He nodded.  "I know.  You had surgery again."

"But you don't know where."

He shook his head.  "No one would tell me, Babe."

"Don't call me that," she said.  "I'm not your babe.  I'm not anyone's babe."

"Sally, you're my fiancé.  Of course you're my babe.  I love you," he tried again, moving to the chair.

"No, Tommy.  You don't," she pulled the modest diamond engagement ring off of her finger and handed the ring to Tom.  "I'm not a woman anymore.  You said so yourself."

He wouldn't take the ring.  "What?" he tried to remember.  "What did I say?  I would never say that about you, Sally."

"Look at me closely, Tommy.  There's something missing."

He shook his head in confusion.  "I don't know what you're talking about, Sal."

Sally reached up and unzipped her thick robe.  She pulled the sides apart and Tom could see her chest completely bandaged.  Flat and bandaged.  Sally said, "Now do you see?  What's missing, Tommy?"

"Oh my God," he breathed.  "Sally.  Baby..."

"That's right.  I'm no longer a woman.  Not to you anyway.  You said so.  Take away my boobs, and I'm no longer a woman.  Well, this surgery was a double mastectomy."

"Sally... Baby, I'm so sorry.  I never meant... Honey, it was a joke.  A bad one... I didn't mean..." Tom tried as tears sprung to his own eyes.

"Go away, Tommy.  I don't want to see you again."

"Sally, please..." he begged.  "I love you."

"Daddy!" she called.  She set the ring on the table beside her.

Her father immediately entered the room and went to her side.  "You okay, Sweetheart?" he asked her.

She nodded.  "I want to go back upstairs now, please."

Her father picked her up in his arms and carried her away.

"Sally, please!" Tom called after them.  "I love you, Sally!  It doesn't matter!  Sal, please!" he cried.

She died only 2 months later.  Her father blamed him.  Said she gave up when they found the cancer in her breasts.  Though she permitted the surgery, she wouldn't go for radiation.  "Why bother?" she said.  "No man will ever look at me again without disgust."  She never believed it didn't matter to Tom.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Tom's tears slipped quietly down his face.  He hadn't allowed himself to think of Sally in years.  He brushed the tears away with the back of his hand and took a sip of his now-cold coffee.  He hadn't even noticed when the nurse returned and set it down next to him.  He stood up and stared out the window.  He knew people wondered why he never married.  Why he only had 1-night stands.  Why he never showed much emotion.  It was because of Sally.  Her father wasn't the only one who blamed him.  He blamed himself, as well.  

Thursday, 29 August 2002
0935 EDT
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, Virginia

"Mom, I can't go out there right now."  Harm was talking on the phone to his mother.  "Thanksgiving.  I'm planning to fly out then.  That okay?"

"Of course it's okay, Son.  I'm glad you'll be coming.  Will you be alone?" his mother asked.

"Yes, Mom.  I'll be alone."  He changed subjects.  "Listen, Mom, the reason I called...  Mac's been acting really weird the last few months.  I mean, she's really different.  I'd say it's depression, but I think there's more to it than that."

"Oh, the poor dear."

"She won't even let her little sister come to visit.  She doesn't answer her phone.  She goes home in the evening and stays there, locked up tight in her apartment and won't come out.  I'm really worried about her."

"Be gentle with her, Harm.  Don't push her," she advised.

"But isn't there something I can do?"

"Harm, I'm going to ask you something.  I want you to think hard before you answer."

"Okay, Mom."

"I know you love Mac.  She's your partner and your best friend."

"That's right," he agreed.

"But are you in love with her?"

"Mom..."

"Think it through, Harm.  It's important," Trish pressed.

"No, I'm not.  Like you said, we're best friends.  But that's as far as it goes."

"Is that as far as you want it to go?  Again, think hard before you answer."

Harm paused for only a couple of seconds.  "That's as far as I want it to go, yes.  Why?"

"Then you need to leave her alone right now," his mother advised.

"Mom, she's hurting," Harm countered.

"And you've tried to help, haven't you?"

"Of course."

"And she's still avoiding you," she said matter-of-factly.

"Yeah," he acknowledged.

"Then leave her alone for a while.  Stop badgering her.  Let her work her way through this.  Let her know that you love her and are there for her if she needs you, but don't pester her.  You don't know what the problem is.  It could be a love affair gone sour; it could be family problems; it could even be a medical problem."

"Okay, Mom."

"When she's ready, she'll let you know."

"I hope you're right," he replied as they said their goodbyes.

Trish hung up her end.  "I hope so, too, Son," she whispered.  "I hope so, too."

Thursday, 29 August 2002
1135 EDT
Bethesda Naval Hospital
Bethesda, Maryland

Patty walked into the waiting room and saw her boss standing at the window, staring outside.  She slowly walked up beside him.  "Admiral Boone?" she almost whispered.

"Hmm?" he answered.

"Sir, I thought you might be getting hungry.  I brought you some lunch."  Tom didn't answer right away.  "Admiral, are you all right?" she asked softly.

"You here for Sarah MacKenzie?" a doctor asked, walking into the waiting room.

Tom turned around immediately, surprised to see his yeoman standing next to him.  He addressed the doctor.  "Yes, I am.  You're Dr. Jamaleddeen?"

"That's right," the doctor said, extending his hand to Tom.

"Tom Boone," the Admiral took his hand.  

"And Patty Krauss, isn't it?" the doctor said.

Patty smiled.  "Yes, Sir.  I'm surprised you remember me, Doctor."

"I always remember the beautiful daughters of my special patients," he winked at her.  "Admiral, Sarah came through the surgery very well.  The cancer was contained within her reproductive organs, and I believe we got it all.  I did have to do a complete hysterectomy as we expected.  It was definitely ovarian cancer, which is good."

"Why is that good?" Tom asked, wondering that the doctor was telling him so much.  He had expected him to merely let him know Mac was out of surgery and in Recovery.

Dr. Jamaleddeen knew the Admiral wasn't his patient's husband.  But the way Mac had answered him when he asked if there was anyone in the waiting room he should talk to after the surgery, he was certain that the Admiral was at the very least her lover... probably her fiancé.

The doctor motioned to the chairs, "Have a seat, won't you, Admiral?"  They sat opposite each other; Patty took a seat next to Tom.  "Ovarian cancer is cancer that begins in the cells that make up the ovaries. Cancer that originates at another site, such as the breast or colon, and spreads to the ovaries is not considered ovarian cancer.  There are many types of tumors that can start in the ovaries.  Epithelial ovarian carcinoma is the most common type of ovarian cancer, and that's what I found in Sarah.  It arises from the epithelial cells covering the surface of the ovaries.  The reason it was good that Sarah's was ovarian cancer rather than something else, is that means we won't find it elsewhere in her body.  If it had spread, we should have seen it outside the walls, and that tissue was perfectly normal."

"So it hadn't spread," Tom repeated.  "You're not going to tell her in 4 months that she's got breast cancer," he insisted.

"Probably not."

"Probably?"

"Admiral, there are no guarantees in medicine, certainly not where cancer is concerned."

"So this epi... whatever...  You got it all?"

"Epithelial ovarian carcinoma.  Yes, I believe we got it all.  It was of the serous type, which accounts for the majority of ovarian cancer.  It was well-differentiated, which is also good."

"Why?" Tom asked.

"Well-differentiated tumors have a better prognosis than poorly differentiated tumors. And the serous carcinoma type has a better prognosis than most of the other cell types.  And the best part, of course, is that it hadn't metastasized."

"Meaning it hadn't spread?" Tom clarified.  The doctor nodded.  "Will she need chemo?"

"Definitely.  Chemotherapy will kill any cancer cells that may remain in the body... just in case.  As I said, I believe we got it all, but I'd rather not take the chance of one slipping through," the doctor explained.

"When can I see her?" Tom asked.

"She's in Recovery now.  As soon as they assign a room for her, the nurse will take you down."

"But when can I see her?" he repeated.  "I told her I'd be there when she woke up.  And I intend on keeping that promise."

The doctor nodded.  "In about an hour, Admiral."  

After the doctor left, Tom turned to Patty and said, "When did you get here?"

"Just before the doctor came in, Sir.  I brought you some lunch."

"Lunch?"

"Yes, Sir.  I didn't think you'd want to leave the hospital to get anything, and the food here is pretty awful as I remember it from last year."

"Krauss, bringing me lunch is not part of your job," he told her flatly.

"I know that, Admiral," she replied softly.  "What would you like to drink, Sir?  I passed a soft drink machine and a coffee maker down the hall."

"Coffee would be fine."

Patty quickly left the room and returned with a cup of steaming hot coffee.  She set it on the table and unwrapped the lunch she brought.  "Here you go, Sir.  Can I get you anything else before I head back to the office, Admiral?"

Tom looked at the generous amount of food on the table.  Then he looked up at Patty.  "Thank you, Patty.  Thank you very much.  You've already done more than enough, and I appreciate your thoughtfulness."

Patty smiled.  "Call me if you need anything, Sir."  Tom nodded and Patty left.

Thursday, 29 August 2002
1945 EDT
Bethesda Naval Hospital
Bethesda, Maryland

Mac tried to wake up several times during the afternoon, but the anesthesia just wouldn't wear off enough for her to be coherent.  Tom was there with her every time she tried to come to, but she didn't know it.  She knew someone was holding her hand, but she couldn't remember who.  Finally at 1945, she opened her eyes and looked around the room.  She saw him standing at the window, his arms folded across his chest.  "Is that stance taught at Admiral school?" she asked, rather groggy.

Tom whirled around and almost fell over his feet moving back to her bed side.  "Sarah!  You're awake!"

She smiled slightly.  "Sort of."

"What stance?" he asked, going back to her question.

"Arms folded across your chest, staring out a window," she replied.  His eyes questioned her without his saying a word.  "Admiral Chegwidden has the same stance and look you just had," she explained.

"Oh.  No, it's not taught at Admiral school.  Captain school," he teased.  "Which is why Harm doesn't have it yet."

Mac's smile faded at the mention of Harm's name.  "You didn't tell him, did you?" she asked.

He shook his head.  "I made you a promise, Sarah.  I don't go back on my word."  He paused.  "But you will have to tell him something soon."

"Why?  Why does he have to know anything about this?"

"Sarah, you two are in love.  You should be honest with each other."

Mac looked surprised.  "In love?  With Harm?  Why do you say that?"

"You're not in love with him?" Tom asked.  "I thought..."

"I used to be," she confessed.  "But Harm's never once given me any reason to believe he loves me.  In fact, quite the opposite."  Mac shook her head.  "No, Tom.  I'm not in love with Harm anymore.  And he's never been in love with me," she assured him.

Tom knew differently, he was sure.  There were times when he and Harm were together that the only thing Harm talked about was Mac.  He'd have to talk to him and find out his feelings for Mac.  Tom was finding himself more and more attracted to this woman.  But he wouldn't act on it.  He couldn't.  Not if Harm had feelings for her.

He decided to move the subject back to telling her friends about her surgery.  "Sarah, you're going to have to tell him about this.  And your other friends, too."

"Why?  It's no one's business."

"Chemotherapy isn't something you can hide.  You'll be sick from it; your hair will fall out.  People are going to notice."

"I may not have to have chemo," she told him.  

Tom debated on whether to tell her what Dr. Jamaleddeen told him.  He decided to go for it.  "You do.  The doctor wants to play it safe.  He believes he got all of the cancer, but he wants you to go the rounds of chemo just in case there's even the tiniest trace of cancer left."

"I don't have to agree, though," Mac said.

"Please, Sarah.  Have the chemo.  Have the radiation if they order that.  Do all you can to fight this," he said urgently.

Mac looked sadly at Tom.  "It doesn't really matter, you know.  I should have just let the cancer take me..."

"No!" Tom almost yelled.  "Sally... Please...  Don't ever say that again."

"Tom, you don't understand.  I had a hysterectomy.   They took out everything that made me a woman," she said softly, tears welling up in her eyes.

"No, Sarah.  Your ability to reproduce is not what makes you a woman," Tom said, laying his hand gently on her stomach.  Then he moved it up her body and cupped her right breast.  "Your physical attributes are not what makes you a woman, either."  He moved his hand further up and caressed her cheek.  "Your soul makes you a woman, Sal.  Your sweet spirit combined with your spunk, your delightful sense of humor... these are the things that make you who you are.  Make you the woman you are.  These are the things that make you beautiful.  Not your body.  Your soul.  Don't ever forget that."

"And how many men believe that?" she asked bitterly.

"If they don't, Sarah, they aren't worth your time."

"Do you really think a man is going to look twice at me if he knows I can't bear his children?"

"Why not?  I would.  I never wanted kids anyway," he quipped.  "I know lots of men who wouldn't care, Sarah.  And there's always adoption, you know."

"That's what my doctor said.  Adoption.  I don't want to adopt.  I want my own child!" Mac burst into tears.  

Tom sat on the edge of her bed and leaned over her, pulling her gently into his embrace.  "It's okay, Sweetheart.  You go ahead and cry all you need to," he cooed to her until she fell asleep in his arms.  Neither of them even realized he had used the endearment, and Tom had absolutely no idea that he'd called Mac "Sally".

Continue to Part 3.