My Confidant

Friday, 9 April 2004
0945 EDT
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, Virginia

Admiral AJ Chegwidden pressed the buzzer on his intercom, calling his yeoman.  "Coates, have the Colonel see me at her convenience today."

"Aye, Sir," Petty Officer Jennifer Coates replied.  "I believe she's in her office now, Sir.  I'll go check."

AJ picked up the report and read through it again.  He shook his head sadly.  "Oh, Mac... don't you realize this was for your own good?" he sighed.  There was a sharp knock on his door, to which he called, "Enter!"

Lieutenant Colonel Sarah MacKenzie opened the door and walked up to his desk, coming to attention stance.  AJ looked past her and nodded at his yeoman to close the door as Mac spoke, "You asked to see me, Admiral?"

"That I did."  He rose and walked around to the same side of his desk and motioned to one of the big red leather chairs.  "Have a seat, Mac."  She did, and he sat next to her.

AJ observed her carefully.  Mac sat up straight in the chair, almost to the point of being rigid.  Her hands were clasped tightly in her lap, and her mouth was an even line across her face.  She wasn't frowning, nor was she smiling.  Her mouth was just flat... straight... no expression to it at all.  And she stared past him, almost like she was focused on a point in space.

Finally he spoke.  "How are you feeling, Mac?"

"Perfectly fine, Sir."  Her voice was flat.

"Perfectly?"

"Or close to it," she amended.

"Why don't I believe that?" he asked quietly.

"You've probably been listening to Harm again," she said, rolling her eyes.

"No, actually, I haven't spoken to Rabb about you in... oh, I'd say months.  Since you all first got back from South America, in fact."  Mac's eyes widened.  AJ grinned; he was seeing some emotion, that was good.  "That surprises you?" he asked.

She nodded slightly.  "A little.  Don't know why it should, though.  Why would he talk about me?"

AJ raised an eyebrow and leaned forward.  "The man stood up to me and refused to obey a direct order.  He resigned his commission so he could go down there and search for you.  And you say you don't know why it should surprise you that he hasn't talked about you?"

Mac's eyes shifted focus suddenly and she looked deep into AJ's eyes.  "Did he say why?"

"Why?"

"Why he had to go search for me?  He knew I was with Webb.  He knew I was undercover," Mac insisted.  "He couldn't have known we'd been captured..."

AJ shook his head, "No, he didn't know that.  All he knew was that you and Webb had disappeared."

"He doesn't trust Clay."

"Neither do I," AJ said.  "But I knew he would do his damnedest to take care of you."

"Is that why you didn't agree for Harm to go after me?" she asked quietly.

AJ nodded.  "I knew Webb would do anything to protect you.  But with Rabb in the picture, all bets are off.  He's too unpredictable; he goes off half-cocked..."

Mac agreed softly, "How well I know about that.  He doesn't plan ahead; he just dives in..."

"Feet first," AJ chuckled, bringing a small smile to Mac's face.  "He went because he loves you, Mac.  Because he wanted to find you and protect you."

Mac frowned.  "Harm doesn't know what love is."

AJ shook his head.  "He knows.  He just doesn't know how to deal with it in his own life.  He's loved you for a long time, but he's not ready to settle down... make a commitment."  He shrugged, "That's my opinion, of course.  He's never said that to me."

Mac sighed.  "I doubt that he's ever ready for that, Admiral."

"What about you?  What do you want?"

"From him?  Nothing," Mac replied firmly.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."  Mac stood up and walked to the window.  Staring outside she continued, "I thought for a long time that Harm and I would end up together.  I know a lot of other people thought that, too.  But I know it's not going to happen, and now I don't even want it to.  He's put me off so many times... and he's not there when I need him."

"He's the one who rescued you in South America," AJ reminded her.

She turned away from the window and stared at him again.  "Only because the SeAL team backed down and held their positions when they saw him and Gunny."  AJ's eyes registered surprise and then his mouth quirked into a grin.  Mac continued, "Oh, yes.  I saw them.  And I knew who sent them."

"I called in a few favors," AJ admitted.

"Which was the main reason you didn't want Harm going down there after me.  You'd already arranged for a SeAL team to extract us?" Mac asked.

AJ nodded, "But I couldn't tell him that."  Mac came back and sat down again.  AJ continued, "I'm just glad he didn't cause a problem."  Mac shook her head and her eyes glassed over again.  "Or did he?" AJ asked, observantly.

Mac shrugged.  "Not really."

"Mac, what happened?"

"He saw Clay and I kissing."

AJ groaned, "Uh oh."

Mac nodded, "Yeah.  He was pretty unbearable after that.  Actually, he's been unbearable ever since.  He can't stand the idea of my dating Clay."

AJ smirked, "Neither can I, to tell you the truth."

Mac looked up.  "Why?  What's so wrong with Clayton Webb?"

AJ wasn't about to tell her the real reason he couldn't stand the thought of her with Webb.  "You tell me, Mac."

"What do you mean?"

"I think you know what I mean, Mac."

She sighed and buried her face in her hands, shaking her head.  "I don't know anymore."

"You don't know what?"

"Why we even bother to see each other.  We have dinner, we have sex, and he goes home.  That's all it's been now for the last few months."

"He goes home?" AJ was shocked at that revelation.

Mac didn't seem to notice his shocked expression.  "And he brings a bottle with him every time, too.  He never used to do that.  He was always very considerate of me.  Oh, he'd order a drink when we went out, but never more than one.  And he never expected to have alcohol at my place.  Now, he carts a bottle around with him."

"Sounds like he needs some help."

"I mentioned that; he got angry.  Which I understand perfectly.  I always got mad, too.  But this is... it's different.  It's like he resents my being the one who killed Sadik."

"I doubt that's it, Mac."  

"Then why would he say things like 'it's natural to have a rush from killing someone' and 'it's a high when you've shot somebody'..."

"He said that?" AJ was surprised that Webb would be so callous.

"Well, maybe not those exact words... but that's what it meant... that I enjoyed killing a man."

"I don't know that I'd even consider Sadik Fahd a man, Mac.  He was a monster who needed killing.  And I'm rather proud that it was you who brought him down."

Mac blinked a couple of times and her mouth went slack.  "You... you're proud?  Of me?"

AJ smiled.  "I'm very often proud of you, Mac.  You're an incredible officer.  You're an even more incredible woman."  He said this last very quietly, almost hoping she wouldn't hear him.  But she did, and she smiled tenderly.

"Thank you, Admiral.  That means a lot, coming from you."

"Coming from an old man, you mean?" he chuckled.

"You're not an old man, Sir," Mac told him.

He shook his head, "That's a matter of opinion, I guess.  I certainly feel old these days," he sighed.  "But enough about me.  We were talking about you and Webb."

Mac suddenly sat up straight and looked at the Admiral.  "Are you taking over for Lieutenant Commander McCool, Sir?"

He grinned, "You caught me."  When Mac smiled, he continued, "Mac, I read the report the Commander sent me about your two sessions with her.  She wasn't at all pleased that you decided two sessions were enough.  She believes you need to continue with counseling."

Mac bristled.  "Not with her.  She doesn't have a clue about anything I've experienced."

AJ agreed, "I'm sure you're right.  She's never been in the field."

"She actually compared my killing my husband with killing Sadik!"

AJ shook his head, "How?  There's no comparison there.  One was a complete accident and the other..."

"Exactly!" Mac interrupted.  "Admiral, I don't doubt that it would benefit me to talk out some of my anger and pain... but with someone who's been there.  With someone who's experienced it and can understand what I'm saying.  Not just someone to offer an ear, but someone who can offer understanding and maybe some insight as to how they dealt with this."

AJ stood up and walked to the window, his arms folded across his chest.  He knew what he was about to suggest probably wasn't a good idea.  And he wouldn't even consider it, except that his request for retirement had been accepted yesterday.  The first of June... not quite two months away.  His decision was made.  He turned to face Mac.  "Will I do?"

Mac's jaw fell open.  "Sir?" she asked, recovering quickly.

"I said, will I do?  As your 'understanding ear with insight'?" he grinned at his phrase.

"Admiral, I don't know what to say... thank you for the offer, but..." she stammered as she got to her feet.

"Think about it, Mac.  I do know what you're feeling about killing Sadik.  I also know what it's like to kill someone accidentally.  Not in the same way you killed your husband, no.  But the boy died because I didn't respond fast enough."  He took a deep breath, "No one blamed me, except myself."

"I'm sorry, Sir; I didn't know..."

"I also know about black ops, undercover assignments, and lost loves," he chuckled at this last.  "You understand, I'm not a trained counselor, but I can listen and I can share with you.  If, however, I feel the need to bring in a real counselor, I assume you'll agree?"

She nodded.  "Admiral, I'll be honored to have you as my 'understanding ear with insight'," she smiled.  "When do we start?"

"I'd say we just had our first session, Mac," he winked at her.

Mac almost giggled, "You're right!  I guess we did.  You're now my confidant."

AJ sat down at his desk and looked at his calendar.  "How about we start off by scheduling time twice a week, knowing that one will more than likely be cancelled.  That way, at least we'll get to talk once a week," he recommended.  "Evenings would be best, I think; after hours.  Would you feel more comfortable here in my office or at your apartment?  I wouldn't want you to have to drive all the way to McLean..."

"I'd probably feel more comfortable at home, Sir.  But it might be better to do it here... for appearance's sake, you know?"

He nodded.  "You're right, that would be best.  How about Tuesdays and Thursdays?"

At the same time, Mac said, "How about Tuesdays and Fridays?"

They laughed together, and AJ said, "Fridays?  I would think you'd want to hold those nights open for Webb."

She shook her head.  "We don't have a set night to see each other.  And it's seldom on a Friday, anyway."

"Okay.  Then Tuesdays and Fridays it is," AJ said as he scribbled a note in his calendar.

"Sounds like a plan, Sir."  She came to attention stance, "Will that be all, Admiral?"

AJ looked up.  "One more thing, Mac.  I don't plan to tell anyone about this.  If you want to, that's your choice.  But no one will hear it from me."

Mac smiled, "Thank you."

"Dismissed."

Friday, 7 May 2004
2015 EDT
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, Virginia

Mac and AJ sat on the sofa in his office, where they'd sat twice a week for the last four weeks.  Both of them had tried hard not to cancel their sessions, and so far, neither of them had.  AJ knew Mac was feeling a lot better about herself now; she probably didn't need any more of these little chats, but he was loathe to give them up.  He enjoyed her company immensely.  And he was extremely happy when she told him last week that she and Webb had called it quits to their dating relationship.  

AJ knew he and Mac were a lot closer now personally than they should be, but he'd been careful to stay out of reach so they couldn't touch each other during their talks.    

Mac could tell something was bothering him tonight.  He just wasn't responding the same way he had in the past.  "Is there something on your mind, Sir?"   

AJ nodded.  He clasped his hands together and lowered his head, looking at the floor.  "There's going to be an announcement made on Monday morning.  I probably shouldn't be telling you..."

Mac sat up a little straighter and interrupted, "Then don't.  If you shouldn't tell me, I'd rather you didn't, Admiral.  We've done very well keeping these sessions on track and I think we should strive to keep it that way."

He didn't look up.  He didn't move at all, not even a sigh.  Not for over a minute.  But his mind was racing.  'It won't matter to her anyway, old man.  Just go on with things as they've been.  Forget about it.  And when you leave here, forget about her.'  Finally he stood up and turned to face her.  "I guess that's it for tonight then, Colonel.  Have a good weekend."

Mac was a little taken aback at his abruptness, but then she was the one who'd cut him off.  She rose from her place on the sofa and said, "Thank you, Sir.  You, too.  Good night."

Monday, 10 May 2004
0840 EDT
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, Virginia

The JAG bullpen was buzzing with rumors this morning.  The Secretary of the Navy was in the Admiral's office, along with the Chief of Naval Operations and the senior level judges.  No one had a clue what was going on.  All they knew was that an all-hands meeting was scheduled for 0845 in the bullpen.  Most everyone was already there, waiting... no one wanted to be late for a meeting of this magnitude.  It was something big, that much they knew.

Mac, however, still sat in her office.  She had an awful feeling in the pit of her stomach.  She refused to think about it all weekend:  that "something" that he wanted to tell her on Friday night.  When she arrived at the office this morning, the first thing she heard was about the scheduled meeting.  She knew it was time to join the others in the bullpen, but she didn't want to.  She was afraid of what she'd hear.  'I should have let him tell me on Friday.  He's leaving us.  I'm sure that's it.  He's leaving JAG.  He's leaving me.'    

At 0845 exactly, Mac rose from her seat and walked into the bullpen.  She stood next to Harm, toward the back of the crowd.  Everyone quieted instantly when they saw the Admiral's door open.  "Attention on deck!" called Petty Officer Coates as the SecNav and senior Naval officers exited AJ's office.  As one body, the entire group snapped to attention stance.

The SecNav began speaking immediately.  "I'm sure you've all been speculating as to the reason you're gathered here this morning," Edward Sheffield joked.  No one acknowledged his statement; no one moved; no one even cracked a smile.  He raised his eyebrows in surprise.  "Well, I have good news and I have sad news and I have some more good news.  What would you like to hear first?"  He looked around expecting some kind of response.  When he still got none, he turned to AJ.  "Are they always like this?"

AJ tried hard not to grin, "Only when they're at attention, Mr. Secretary."

"Oh!" Sheffield almost blushed.  "Sorry about that... I guess 'as you were' is the appropriate response?"

AJ rose his voice and said, "At ease!"

Sheffield nodded, "Oh, yes.  'At ease.'  That's the one I wanted.  Thank you, Admiral."  He turned back to the crowd.  "The first piece of news I have to tell you is both good and sad.  It is definitely good for Admiral Chegwidden.  It's what he wants, what he's been looking forward to for some time, and I'm pleased that he's acting on his desire.  At the same time, It is sad news for me and for many of you, I'm sure."

'Will you get on with it, already?' AJ thought to himself.

"It is my duty to inform you that Admiral Chegwidden will retire from..."  He stopped as he heard several gasps around the room.  Continuing, he said, "...from the United States Navy effective June 1 of this year.  His last date of service in this office is May 21."  He turned to AJ and extended his hand, "Congratulations, AJ.  And best wishes as you begin this new phase of your life..."  

From behind them, Admiral Vern Clark began the applause; he was never one to be shy at offering congratulations.  Seeing that the CNO started it, the others joined in.  Normally they would have waited until the SecNav finished speaking, but they were all a little stunned by the news.  

When the applause died down a bit, Sheffield continued, "It is also my pleasure to announce Admiral Chegwidden's replacement today.  As of May 22, Captain Owen Sebring will assume the role of Judge Advocate General for the United States Navy, and on June 1, his promotion to Rear Admiral will be effective."  He turned to Sebring and extended his hand, smiling.  "But I think we'll let you wear it a few weeks ahead of time.  Congratulations... Admiral," he emphasized.

This time, it was AJ who started the applause.  "As you were!" he called out.  

At that one command, the room exploded in noise:  "Can you believe it?"  "The Admiral is retiring!"  "That doesn't seem possible."  "Did you know about this, Coates?"  "What a boon for Captain Sebring!"  "I didn't know anything about it."  "He'll make a fine JAG, I'm sure."  "I wonder what he'll do with himself all day?"  "You know how much he loves baseball."  "Yeah, but I'll sure miss him."  "Won't quite be the same around here without the Admiral."

Mac watched as everyone thronged around AJ and Sebring expressing their congratulations.  She couldn't watch it anymore.  She headed for her office, shut down her computer, and jotted a note on a slip of paper.  She grabbed her briefcase and cover, handed Coates the note, and rushed to the elevator.

As she stepped in the car, she heard Jennifer's voice, "Are you sure you should drive, Ma'am, if you're feeling ill?  Would you like me to take you home?"

Mac shook her head, "I'll be fine to drive.  Thank you, Jennifer."

The door closed, but Jen was sure she'd seen tears welling in Mac's eyes as she spoke.

Monday, 10 May 2004
1935 EDT
Sarah MacKenzie's Apartment
Georgetown, Washington, DC

Mac heard the doorbell, but she ignored it.  She really didn't want to see anyone tonight.  When it rang for the third time and the person knocked loudly as well, she decided to at least see who it was.  Maybe it was a neighbor needing help. 

She looked through the peephole and was surprised to see the Admiral.  She took a deep breath, pasted a smile on her face as best she could, and pulled the door open.  "Good evening, Admiral.  What brings you here?"

"I wanted to check on you.  You left rather suddenly this morning after the announcement.  When Coates said you were ill, I... I was concerned."  She still blocked the doorway.  "May I come in?"

She looked down at the floor.  "Of course."  She backed up and AJ walked inside. 

"Mac, that was what I wanted to tell you on Friday..."

"I know.  I figured that out," she sniffed.

"It doesn't mean that I won't be there for you.  If you need to continue talking, there's no reason we can't do it here... or at my place."

She looked up, surprised, and bit her lips together.  "Thank you, Sir."

"Mac, I'm not leaving DC.  We can still talk, anytime you need to."

"I'm fine now, Sir.  You've helped me a lot."  She turned away and walked to the other side of the sofa, not looking at him.   "I don't need to take up anymore of your time.  I know you must have plenty of other things to think about now."

AJ lowered his head and stared at the floor.  "Nothing as important as you are."

Mac swallowed hard.  'Could he possibly mean that the way I want him to mean it?' she wondered.  She turned around and looked at him; he seemed to be focused on a non-existent stain in the carpet.  "I'm sure that's not true..." she tried to laugh lightly, but it was more of a strangled sound. 

"Yes, Mac, it is true," he interrupted her, but he still didn't look at her. 

She was puzzled.  'Why won't he look at me?' Then she wondered... "When... when did you... decide this?  To retire, I mean?" she asked haltingly.

"I've been thinking about it for over a year.  But I made my decision in February and submitted my request to Sheffield.  Took him a while, but I got his approval the first week of April."

"Before you offered to counsel with me?" she confirmed.

He nodded.  "The day before, in fact."  He looked up at Mac now.  "I wouldn't have been able to offer otherwise, Mac.  As it was, I was concerned about..."

"How it would look?" she supplied for him.

"No, Mac.  I was concerned about spending so much time with you."  She looked puzzled.  "Alone," he added.  A question formed in her eyes but she didn't voice it.  "I think we've done pretty well, don't you?" he asked, a small half grin on his face.  when her expression didn't change, he added, "Obviously I have if you don't even have a clue what I'm talking about..."

It dawned on Mac what he'd been concerned about.  She never imagined that the Admiral might still be fighting feelings for her after all these years.  She knew she fought them every time they were together.  But he was always so professional, so completely in control.  It never occurred to her that he might...  Mac's eyes softened as she realized what his earlier words meant.  He was retiring. 

Slowly she walked over to him.  She picked up one of his hands in hers and kissed his palm softly.  "Yes, we have," she breathed.  "But we don't have to anymore."  And with that she leaned forward, lifted her face, and pressed her lips against his.

AJ moaned in pleasure and pulled her into the circle of his embrace.  "Oh, Mac," he mumbled against her mouth.  Their lips parted and she laid her head against his shoulder.  "I was afraid to even hope..."

"I had no idea you'd ever want me..."

"Want you?"  AJ pulled back and looked into her face.  "Darlin', I've wanted you for years."

Mac pulled his face back to hers and they kissed again.  Before it got too heavy, she pulled back.  "We should wait... until your retirement is official," she offered sadly.  "It would be awful for someone to bring fraternization charges your last month here."

AJ nodded.  "You're right."  He released his hold on her and they stepped apart.  "But it is nice to have something to look forward to," he grinned.

The end.