Letters to a Sailor - Part 2

Friday, 7 November 2003
1015 EDT
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, Virginia

Petty Officer Jennifer Coates stepped off the elevator, her arms loaded with files the Admiral had requested, and saw a middle-aged woman glancing around.  "May I help you, Ma'am?" Jen asked.

"I'm looking for Admiral Chegwidden, please."

"Exactly where I'm going, Ma'am.  I'm his Yeoman, Petty Officer Coates."

The woman nodded.  "You took Tiner's place, didn't you," she observed.  "How is he doing in law school?  Have you heard from him?"

"Yes, Ma'am," Jen replied with a surprise in her voice.  "He's doing great.  Actually, we're having dinner together tonight.  Shall I tell him you asked after him?"

Jen noticed that the woman blushed slightly.  "No, that's okay.  He doesn't know me.  I know... of him is all."

"From the Admiral?" Jen asked.

"That's right.  And his office is...  where?"

"Oh!  I'm sorry, Ma'am."  Jen headed for the Admiral's office with the woman following.  "Please, have a seat," Jen motioned to the chair in the waiting area.  "Whom shall I tell him is here?"

"Brianna Donnelly."  Brianna bit her lower lip as Jen knocked on the Admiral's door.

She heard him bellow, "Enter!" and Jen disappeared inside the office, closing the door behind her.

Brianna's thoughts swirled in her head as she sat in the chair.  'He's going to kill me for just showing up like this.  He obviously doesn't want to meet me.  If he did, he would have made an effort by now.  He has made an effort, you dope.  Numerous times!  You've screwed it up more times than he did.  Oh God... Brie, you are a total and complete idiot for doing this...'   

AJ took the files from Jen's hands.  "You got all of them?" he asked.

"Yes, Sir.  Every last one of 'em," she quipped.

"Good.  That'll be all, Petty Officer," he dismissed her.

"Excuse me, Sir, but there's someone to see you.  She's..."

"Don't have any appointments on my calendar except for lunch, as I recall, Petty Officer." he interrupted her.

"No, Sir.  It's just that she's..."  AJ looked up and glared at her.  Jen flinched, but she continued, "It's just that she's a civilian, Sir.  And it sounds like she might be a personal friend."

"It sounds like?" AJ questioned as he wrote a note on the cover of the first file.  "What does that mean?"

"Well, Sir, she knew about Petty Officer Tiner.  And that he's in law school.  And she's..."

"She got a name, Petty Officer?" AJ asked as he picked up his coffee mug in his left hand.  "Damn, it's empty," he muttered as Jen answered him.

"Brianna Donnelly, Sir."

The coffee mug fell from his hand and AJ snapped his pencil in two.  He looked up at Jen, his face gone white, and almost whispered, "Whom did you say is here, Petty Officer?"

Jen reached forward and set the coffee mug up straight.  She picked up the pieces of the pencil and repeated, "Brianna Donnelly, Admiral."

AJ stood up straight and took a deep breath.  "Oh, God."

"Is there a problem, Sir?"

"Problem?" AJ's voice cracked.

"Shall I tell her you're busy, Sir?"

"Busy?" AJ repeated.  "No!  No, I... I'll... Oh, God."  AJ took another deep breath to compose himself.  "Tell her I'll see her in just a minute, Petty Officer."

Jen nodded.  "Aye, Sir."  She turned and left his office, wondering at her CO's discomfort. She'd never seen him so disturbed.

AJ fell back into his chair and closed his eyes.  The last 18 years of their correspondence disappeared, and all he could remember was the request of a 21-year old girl begging him in a letter to marry her.  "This is ridiculous!" he said aloud.  "She's not going to beg you to marry her again.  Geez, Chegwidden!  She knows you're engaged to Meredith."  His words continued to flow as he pulled out his billfold and gazed at her picture... her college graduation picture.  "What's wrong with you?  She's just a girl, anyway; she doesn't want the likes of you.  She only did then because she was desperate and had a crush on you.  And now, she just wants to meet the old codger she's been writing to for so many years.  So, get a grip."  

He rose from his chair, put his billfold back in his pocket, slipped into his uniform jacket, and opened the door.  His gaze immediately fell on Brianna... and his lips parted in surprise.  This was no girl.  This was a grown woman.  A very grown woman.  'This is Brianna?  My little Brie?'

Brianna heard the door open, and she stood as he walked into the outer office area.  She smiled in greeting. 

Neither of them spoke.  And fortunately, Petty Officer Coates had the presence of mind to keep her mouth shut for once.  They just stood there, staring at each other.  His eyes moved from Brianna's face, down her body, to her feet, and slowly back up.  "Brianna?" he breathed.

At the same time, her eyes moved from AJ's face to his broad shoulders, to his chest full of ribbons... and his SeAL trident.  She smiled and reached out to touch the trident as she whispered, "My SeAL."   

AJ chuckled, bringing Brianna's eyes back to his face.  "You're far more beautiful than your picture," AJ told her.

Brianna almost giggled.  "AJ, the last picture I sent you was when I finished college."

AJ nodded and patted his back pocket.  "Yep, and I still carry it in my billfold."

"You're every bit as handsome as I knew you would be," she replied.

"Bald," he commented.  She smiled and took a step forward; so did he.  Another... and another.  AJ was just about to pull her into his arms when he remembered where they were.  His back straightened and he stepped to the side, extending his arm toward his office door.  "Let's go in my office, shall we?"

Brianna walked past him, and he kicked the door shut behind them.  Suddenly they were pressed against each other, their arms wound around the other's body, their mouths fused together.

"Oh, Brianna," AJ breathed as he moved his mouth to nuzzle her neck.  This was wrong.  He knew it was wrong.  He was engaged to Meredith; he shouldn't be necking with Brianna.  But she was so special to him... and God!  She wasn't a child at all.  She was a woman.  All woman!

"AJ, oh AJ..." she sighed into his mouth.  "I've wanted to show up like this for so long."

"I wish you had... a long, long time ago."

They finally pulled away from each other and sat on the sofa.  Brianna sat first, and AJ was careful to sit far enough away that he couldn't reach her.  They were both nervous now, after their kiss.  It wasn't supposed to be like that; they were friends, not lovers.  As they began talking together, their nervousness fled and a comfortable camaraderie soon enveloped them.  They talked and laughed with each other for an hour, remembering the high points... and the low points... of their lives.  

When Brianna's stomach growled for a second time, AJ rose and, forgetting his resolve not to touch her again, he pulled her up with him, suggesting they "grab a bite for lunch".  Brianna blushed furiously at his words.  "Brianna?" AJ questioned.

She pulled her hands out of his and bit her lips together.  "I'm sorry, AJ.  I just... that's a phrase I... um..." she stammered.  Now thoroughly embarrassed, Brianna turned her back to him.

AJ thought for a moment, trying to remember exactly what he said.  When it came to him, he chuckled, "I think that's more like dessert than lunch, don't you, Darlin'?"  Brianna gasped at his reply but didn't turn around.  "It's certainly not something I ever imagined doing with you, though," he commented.  He walked up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders, turning her to face him. 

"No?" she whispered hoarsely.

He gazed into her shining eyes and breathed, "Not until now."  He couldn't resist her.  He lowered his head and captured her lips.  When he ran his tongue along their seam, her lips parted and he invaded her mouth.

Brianna moaned her pleasure at the contact and slipped her arms around AJ's neck, while his moved around her waist and pulled her closer to him.  Better and better.  She could feel him hardening against her.  "AJ?" she finally mumbled, his tongue still in her mouth.  He pulled it back so she could talk.  "Perhaps we should go get some lunch?"  As if to punctuate her suggestion, her stomach growled again.  'And maybe a room?' she thought to herself.

AJ pulled away from her and smiled apologetically.  "I'm sorry, Brianna.  I had no right to..."

"Oh!  No, AJ... please don't apologize.  I..."

"No, no," he said.  "This was my fault entirely..."

"Would you like to know what I was thinking when I just said we should go get lunch?" she interrupted.  AJ looked slightly confused, but he nodded.  "I said, 'Perhaps we should go get some lunch?'..."  AJ nodded again as Brianna continued, "...and I thought, 'And maybe a room?'  So, please, AJ... don't apologize.  Not when I want it as much as you do... maybe even more."  AJ's smile covered his face... until her next words.  "But what about Meredith?  You're still engaged to her, aren't you?"

AJ's smile faded and he sighed heavily.  "Yes.  And I can't... I can't hurt her like this."  AJ turned away from Brianna, then turned back, his expression completely devoid of emotion.  "Shall we get some lunch?  We can talk and enjoy each other's company as we eat."  

It was as if their little interlude never happened.  Brianna blinked a few times and then agreed, "Of course.  That will be lovely."

AJ opened his office door and allowed Brianna to exit first.  He stopped at Coates' desk.  "Call the Officers' Club.  Table for two; we'll be there in 20 minutes."

"Uh... Sir, you already have..." started Jennifer. But she didn't finish; the couple had already walked away. Knowing he already had a reservation for two at the Officers' Club, she scooted downstairs to the cafeteria to grab some lunch for herself.

Meredith pulled into the JAG parking lot as AJ and Brianna pulled out.  Meredith waved, but AJ was looking at Brianna and didn't see her.  "Hmm, I wonder where he's off to?  I'm sure it was today that we were supposed to have lunch."  Meredith parked her car and made her way upstairs thinking that he'd surely be right back.  

"Ms. Cavanaugh!" exclaimed Lieutenant Harriett Sims when she saw the Admiral's fiancée enter the bullpen.

"Hello, Harriett," Meredith said.  "I just passed AJ as I was pulling in.  When will he be back?  We were supposed to..."

Harriett interrupted her, "He's gone to lunch, Ma'am."

"...have lunch together..."  Meredith stopped.  "Oh."  She cocked her head to the side and asked, "Harriett, who was the woman with him?"

Harriett shook her head.  "I don't know, Ma'am.  She arrived a little after 1000 this morning, I believe, and was with the Admiral until they just left for lunch.  Petty Officer Coates would know, but she's gone down to the cafeteria.  I'm sorry, Ma'am."

Lieutenant Colonel Sarah MacKenzie pushed open the double doors and entered the bullpen.  "Meredith!  Hello there!"

Meredith looked up at her old friend.  "Hello, Mac.  You free for lunch?"

Mac looked from her to the Admiral's office and back again.  "You're not going with the Admiral?  He mentioned this morning that you were having lunch together at the OC."

"Well, he seems to have forgotten that, now that it's lunch time," Meredith said, a slight annoyance creeping into her voice.  "He took someone else to lunch."

"Who?" Mac asked.

Meredith shrugged.  "Who knows?"  She tried to smile.  "So, lunch, Colonel?"

Mac grinned, "I'd be glad to get out of here for a while.  Harm's driving me crazy in that courtroom."

"He's not winning, I trust?" Meredith teased.

"Of course not!" Mac quipped.  "Hang on.  I'll grab my coat and we can be off."  Mac headed for her office and continued talking, "So, where do you want to eat?"

Meredith thought for a moment.  "Anywhere except the Officers' Club.  That's sure to be where AJ is, and I wouldn't want to embarrass him by showing up there."

"You wouldn't, hmm?" Mac teased as they headed out the door.

Friday, 7 November 2003
1415 EDT
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, Virginia

AJ and Brianna were laughing together as they stepped off the elevator and made their way to his office.  "Attention on deck!" called Lieutenant Sims as they entered the bullpen.

"As you were!" he replied quickly.  He didn't even notice Meredith as she stepped out of Mac's office.

"AJ," she said.  He didn't hear her.  "AJ?" she repeated.  Still nothing.  She followed them and had almost caught up when they walked in his office.  "No interruptions, Petty Officer."  He kicked the door shut, but not before Jen saw him pull Brianna into his embrace and kiss her soundly.  

"I wouldn't dream of it, Sir," Jen replied with a saucy grin.  But as she turned around, she saw Meredith standing not five feet away... in full view of his office.  There was no question but that she'd seen the kiss.  Her mouth was agape and angry tears welled in her eyes.  "Ms. Cavanaugh!"  Jen looked from her to the Admiral's closed office door and back to Meredith.  "I... um..." she stammered.  

"Who is she?" Meredith finally choked out.

"I don't think it would be right for me to say, Ma'am..."

"Do you really want me to just barge in there, Jennifer?  Because I will.  And I think you know I will."  Meredith moved to AJ's door and laid her hand on the doorknob.

"No, Ma'am.  That probably wouldn't be a good idea," Jen protested.

"Then tell me who she is," Meredith insisted.  

Jen hesitated again.  "Ms. Donnelly, Ma'am."

"Donnelly?" Meredith gasped and visibly shrank back from his office door.  "Brianna Donnelly?" she repeated, barely above a whisper.

Jen nodded, surprised that Meredith knew the woman's first name.  "Yes, Ma'am.  Do you know her, Ma'am?"

Meredith shook her head.  "Of her, Jennifer.  I know of her."  Meredith looked longingly at the diamond on her hand.  She twisted it around her finger once.  Twice.  The third time, she slowly pulled it off and spoke quietly as her tears slipped down her cheeks.  "Would you give this to AJ, please?  Privately.  When Brianna isn't with him, in other words."  She held the ring out to Jen, but Jen kept her hands at her sides.

Mac had watched the scene unfold from the bullpen.  When Meredith pulled off her ring, she hurried to the Admiral's outer office just in time to hear Jen protest, "Oh, Ma'am!  Surely you don't want to...  I mean... shouldn't you talk to him?  Discuss this?"

Meredith shook her head.  "No, Jennifer.  If it were anyone else, then yes.  I'd discuss it.  Hell, I'd fight tooth and nail for him!  But Brianna?"  She shook her head again.  "No.  I knew if they ever actually met, it would be all over between us."

"Meredith," Mac piped up.  "What's happened?  What are you doing?" she asked, nodding at her holding her engagement ring.  "Who is Brianna?"

Meredith tried to smile.  "Brianna is a sweet little girl who started writing AJ when he was in Vietnam."

Jen coughed.  "Excuse me, Ma'am, but that's not a little girl."

Meredith grinned.  "No, she's not.  She's not even a young woman, like AJ has imagined her to be all these years.  He carries her picture in his wallet, you know.  College picture.  He hadn't ever let her age in his mind.  I knew, of course, that if she'd written him in Vietnam 30-some years ago that she was certainly not a college girl anymore."

"Meredith, are you saying that the Admiral had never even met this woman before today?" asked Mac.

Meredith shook her head.  "Never once.  They spoke on the phone occasionally.  And they wrote fairly regularly over the years.  He helped her through her divorce.  She helped him come to terms with his parents' deaths.  They've really been very good for each other... from all he's told me about her."

Jen asked the same question as Mac, "But this is the first time they've actually met?"

"That's right," Meredith sighed.  "Somehow I knew... I just knew that she'd show up and..."  She sniffed.  "And that would be the end of it for me and AJ.  He's been in love with her for years.  He just didn't see it.  And since he'd never actually met her..."  She let her words trail off into nothing. 

"Ma'am, really, I think you should wait on this and talk to him.  If he'd never even met this woman before..."

But Meredith shook her head and gently placed the ring in Jen's hand.  "Tell him it's okay.  That I understand.  That I'm not angry," she sniffed again.  "It's not his fault.  Or hers, really.  They belong together; they always have.  It's so obvious when you hear him talk about her."  Meredith turned and quietly walked away, silent tears streaming down her face.

Mac turned to Jen, "I'm going with her, Coates.  Lock up my office, will you?"

"Of course, Ma'am," Jen agreed quickly.  Mac ran to her office, grabbed her coat, cover, and purse, and caught up with Meredith as she stepped on the elevator.

Twenty minutes later, AJ opened his office door and walked Brianna out to her car. "I'm so glad you decided to force a meeting, Darlin'. I don't know what I've been thinking all these years by avoiding you. Somehow, I just never quite let you grow up in my mind."

"I finally figured that out last month... with a little help from Lyle, of course. He's been after me for years to show up on your doorstep, you know.  Ever since my divorce. He said my marriage to Steve never stood a chance because I've always..."  She didn't finish her sentence.  But it was rather obvious what she'd left unsaid.  She blushed as AJ smiled down at her.

"So, I'll pick you up at your hotel at 1900, and we'll have dinner. Sound good?" he asked.

"Sounds perfect," she replied as she settled herself behind the wheel. "I'm at the McLean Hilton. Room 843."

AJ waved as she drove off. His smile covered half of his face as he strode back through the bullpen toward his office.  'Brianna loves me!  Who'd o' thought?'

Jen didn't have the heart to tell him about Meredith now... but she was also afraid he might decide to call her this afternoon. She'd best talk to him now. She knocked on his door and opened it at his command. "Admiral?"

He looked up. "Yes, Petty Officer?" She just stared at him. His collar, usually pristinely white, was stained with a deep rose color. The same color as Ms. Donnelly's lipstick, she knew. "Did you want something, Coates?"

Jen blinked hard, her eyes snapping to his. "Oh! Yes, Sir. I... um... Well, Sir... that is to say..."

AJ shook his head. "You're starting to sound like Lieutenant Roberts did several years ago, Petty Officer. Out with it. What's on your mind?" Then he heard himself. "And it better not have anything to do with Ms. Donnelly."

"No, Sir. Actually, it's about Ms. Cavanaugh."

"Who?" AJ looked askance. Then it dawned on him. "Oh, Meredith!" He eyed Jen carefully. "What about Meredith?" he asked as his smile disappeared. 

"She was here, Sir."

"She's been here a lot, Petty Officer. To which visit are you referring?" AJ had a sinking feeling in his stomach.  He stood up and turned to stare out the window.

"Her most recent visit, Sir.  Today.  About half an hour ago," she stammered.

"Today?" he croaked.  "Oh, God.  We had a lunch date..."

"I'm afraid so, Sir.  I believe she arrived just after you left, Admiral.  So she had lunch with the Colonel."

"Oh, that's good."  He felt better now.  At least Meredith hadn't made the trip to JAG for nothing.  She and Mac probably discussed the wedding plans.  His stomach lurched.  'Wedding!  And I was just devouring Brianna...'  He shook those thoughts from his mind; he'd have to clear it all up tonight at dinner.  He was an engaged man; he couldn't dally with another woman, not even someone he wanted as much as Brianna.  He couldn't hurt Meredith that way.  He turned to face Jennifer.  "So... what did you want to...?"

"Sir, she was waiting for you to return from lunch.  She was in the Colonel's office when you and Ms. Donnelly got back and went to your office to... um... well...  While you were... um..." Jen stammered.  How could she say this tactfully?  She didn't want to say "While you were devouring each other," even though that's what it looked like they were doing. "While you said goodbye," she chanced.

"Oh, God."

Jen nodded. "I'm afraid so, Sir." She reached her hand forward and opened her fist, the diamond ring in her palm.  "She asked me to give you this, Admiral," Jen almost whispered.

AJ groaned, but he took the ring from Jen's hand.  "That'll be all, Petty Officer."  He dropped into his chair and put his head in his hands.  'What a mess I've made of this.'

Jen turned and walked to the door. Before she put her hand on the doorknob, though, she turned around. "Admiral, she said to tell you she wasn't angry and that she understands. That it wasn't your fault or Ms. Donnelly's. She even said that you and Ms. Donnelly belong together." AJ looked up, surprise evident on his face. "She was upset, Sir. Crying. But she really wasn't angry."

AJ looked back down at the ring in his hand. "Dismissed." 

Jen turned and left his office. She'd be sure to tell him about the lipstick on his collar before he went out again... but he needed a little time first, she decided.

Friday, 7 November 2003
1545 EDT
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, Virginia

AJ paced back and forth in his office; he had been for the last hour.  Finally, he decided what to do.  He picked up the phone and dialed Meredith's apartment.  No answer.   He tried her office.  No answer.  Last, he tried her cell phone.

"Meredith Cavanaugh," she answered.

"It's me."  He could hear her quick intake of breath.  "Meredith, please... I need to see you."

"Not necessary, AJ.  Did Jennifer talk to you yet?" Meredith asked quietly, looking up at Mac and trying to smile through her suddenly watery eyes.  They were sitting in the Café at the Barnes & Noble book store.

"Yes, Meredith.  And that's what I want to see you about.  Please."

"It's really not necessary, AJ.  I understand.  Truly, I do."  Mac rose to leave and give Meredith some privacy, but Meredith shook her head and motioned her back to her seat.  So Mac sat and took a sip of her cappuccino.

"I'm glad one of us does," AJ muttered.  Then a little louder, "Meredith, I want to explain.  I need to explain..."

"AJ, you've told me all about Brianna.  There really isn't anything else to say."

AJ's voice broke.  "Meredith, please..."

Meredith bit her lips together.  She knew she'd end up in tears if she saw AJ again.  But she also knew that he needed her right now.  He obviously didn't understand what he was feeling for Brianna.  She smiled to herself.  'He's such a brilliant man, but he doesn't understand his own feelings.  He never has.'  She made her decision.  "Okay.  When and where?"

"Where are you now?"

"With Mac.  At Barnes & Noble in the Café."

"You're with Mac?" he questioned.

"She's my friend, AJ.  And she saw what happened... so she came with me to... help me... be with me," Meredith choked out.

"Meredith, I'm so sorry about all this," AJ said huskily.

"I know you are, AJ.  Now... when and where?"

"Now?"

"Okay.  My apartment?"

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Yes," she said emphatically.  She knew only too well that she'd be sobbing by the time AJ left... and she didn't want to have to drive home.  "I have to drop Mac back to JAG, and then I'll head for home."

He agreed, "I'll be waiting at your place."

They hung up and Meredith turned pained eyes to Mac.  "He needs to talk," she said simply.

"Oh, Meredith.  I'm so sorry..."

"AJ has never been one to understand his own feelings.  It takes him a while before he gets a good grasp on them.  I think he's confused right now.  And he needs... someone to help him."  She bit her lips together to keep from crying and shrugged.  "I guess that's me."

They rose from their chairs and headed back to JAG.  Meredith pulled into the parking lot and commented that AJ's vehicle was already gone.  "Good thing," quipped Mac.  "Or I'd have given him an ear full before he left."

Meredith shook her head and smiled at her friend.  "Mac, don't be angry with him.  He never meant to hurt me.  He's not that kind of man.  He's gentle and loving and kind..."

"How can you say that?!  He was practically ravaging that woman in front of you!" Meredith's eyes filled with tears.  "Oh, Meredith, I'm sorry..." Mac apologized.  

"It's okay, Mac," she sniffed.  "And he didn't know I was there..."

"So that makes it okay?" Mac asked incredulously.

"No, of course not.  But it's Brianna."  Mac shook her head in disbelief.  "He's loved Brianna for 30 years, Mac.  I can't compete with that."

"You shouldn't have to," Mac muttered as she climbed out of the car.  "He proposed to you, not her."  She looked back in the car and promised, "I'll call you later."

Meredith nodded and waved as she drove away.

Friday, 7 November 2003
1630 EDT
Meredith Cavanaugh's Apartment
Washington, DC

AJ sat in Meredith's living room waiting for her to arrive.  He was very glad his Yeoman had stopped him on his way out to have him change his shirt.  'God, that would have been awful... showing up at Meredith's with Brianna's lipstick all over me.'  

AJ was nervous now, even more so than he was in May when he proposed... or rather, when he tried to propose.  Maybe those bungled attempts should have warned him.  But he'd just kept on, making himself believe that he was right... when all along, he knew he was wrong.  But he was lonely.  And Meredith filled a place in his heart... and his bed. And now he'd hurt her.  The last thing in the world he wanted to do.  And he'd done it.  

He stood up and began pacing, talking to himself; he didn't hear Meredith open the door.  "How could you have done this to her?  How could you hurt her like this?  She's the best thing that's happened to you in years, and you go and practically slap her in the face.  Chegwidden, you're a sorry..."

"You're a wonderful, loving man, AJ."  

He heard Meredith's voice behind him, and he turned to see her standing in the doorway, tears streaming down her face.  "Meredith..." he started.  "Darlin', don't cry."  He moved to her quickly and pulled her into his arms, closing the door behind her.  "I'm so sorry, Meredith.  Please don't cry, Darlin'."

Meredith slid her arms up his chest and leaned back so she could see his face.  "It's my right to cry, AJ, don't you think?  We were going to be married next month."

"We still can be," he said quietly.

"No, AJ.  You don't want that."

"I don't know what I want right now," he mumbled, shaking his head.

Meredith smiled through her tears.  "I know that, Sweetheart.  But you will.  You'll figure it out.  And when you do, you'll know it isn't me.  It's Brianna."

"Meredith, I just met the woman."

"Yes, but you've loved her for a very long time."

"I loved a child, Meredith.  Not a woman."

"She hasn't been a child in years, AJ.  And though you've denied that to yourself, you've known it all along."

AJ sighed heavily and turned away from Meredith.  "Why?  Why did she have to show up now?  Why couldn't she have waited until after the wedding?"  He plopped down on the sofa and lowered his face in his hands.

Meredith walked over to the sofa and sat beside him.  "I'm glad she didn't wait, AJ.  I'd much rather have lost you now than after we were married.  I don't think I could have handled that."

AJ looked up sharply.  "I would never have..."

Meredith shook her head and laid her hands over his.  "You couldn't have helped it, AJ.  You've been in love with Brianna for years.  I have no idea when your love for the child turned into love for the woman, but very probably sometime close to when she proposed to you when she finished college."

AJ looked shocked.  "Don't be ridiculous.  She was a child."

"She was 21, AJ.  Hardly a child."

"I was 40, Meredith."

"So?"

"Nineteen years is a big difference," he insisted.

"Not so very big.  I dated a man who was 22 years older than I was when I was in my 20s.  And I almost married him.  I would have, too, if he..." her words trailed off and her mouth turned up into what AJ called her 'sad smile'.

"If he... what?" AJ prodded.

"If he hadn't already been married," she sighed.  "I didn't know it, of course.  But he was cheating."

"Oh, Meredith," AJ groaned, pulling her into his arms.  "You never told me about that."

"I try to forget about him, AJ.  I'd really rather not remember that I had an affair with a married man."

"You didn't know it..."

"Does that matter?  It was still adultery."

AJ sighed.  "Darlin', I don't want to hurt you."

Meredith pulled away.  "There's no way around that, AJ.  You already have."  His face looked stricken, as though she'd slapped him.  She lifted her hand to his cheek and caressed it, rubbing her thumb over his lips.  "But you never kept your relationship with Brianna a secret from me.  Why, you even let me read some of her letters!  And it was because I read those letters... and the ones you wrote her that you shared with me... that I knew if she ever showed up, if you ever met her... that I'd lose you."

AJ tore himself away and stood.  "I can't believe you're being so understanding about all this.  Meredith, I was practically making love to another woman in my office with you standing just outside the door!  Get mad at me!  Yell!  Throw something!"

"What good would it do, AJ?" she said quietly.

Suddenly something occurred to AJ.  He took a deep breath.  "Do you not even care, Meredith?" AJ whispered, almost afraid to hear her answer.  Had he talked her into their engagement?  Did she really not want to be married to him?  Was she glad that Brianna showed up?

Meredith quickly rose and turned away from him, biting her lips together to keep from sobbing.  "Not care?" she finally spoke, her words torn from her heart.  "Not care?  How can you ask me that?"

AJ walked up behind her and turned her around to face him.  "Meredith," he said gently.  "I do love you."

Meredith looked up into his eyes.  "I know you do, AJ.  And I love you, you know that."

"Can we forget about this?  Go back the way we were?" he suggested.

She shook her head.  "No, we can't.  Because Brianna is still in here..." she tapped his chest, "...in your heart.  And I can't... I won't share you.  I shouldn't have to.  And I won't do it."

"But Meredith..."

"No, AJ.  You know I'm right.  You know you want her... far more than you've ever wanted me."  AJ started to interrupt her, but she laid her fingers over his lips.  "Admit it, AJ.  As soon as you saw her this morning, you wanted to make love to her."

"Meredith, that doesn't mean..."

"How many times did we go out before you finally took me to bed?  Do you even know?" she asked bluntly.

He looked shocked.  "How many... what?  Meredith..."

"I finally seduced you into bed, AJ.  After we'd been dating for 5 months.  Five months, AJ!  Why did I have to do that?  Why wasn't it you who seduced me?"

"Meredith, I thought you..."  His words trailed off as he looked into her eyes.

"And when I suggested that I move in with you last winter?  Do you remember what you said?"

AJ nodded.  "Don't remind me," he replied, disgusted with himself.

"Now tell me what you felt when you saw Brianna this morning.  Hard?"  AJ blushed furiously.  Meredith grinned, "Yeah, that's what I figured."  Then she ran her hand down his chest and touched the front of his pants.  "But you're never hard for me, AJ.  Not until I'm lying naked in your bed."

"Meredith, that's not true..." he objected.

"Oh, AJ.  I wish it wasn't true.  I really do," Meredith's tears started again.  "Because I really think we could have been good together.  I think we could have made it work... even though you didn't love me completely."  Then she stepped back away from him.  "But not now."

AJ sighed reluctantly, "I suppose you're right."

"Where are you taking her tonight?" Meredith asked.

"I thought we'd go to Morton's.  I know she loves steak," AJ replied without even thinking.  He'd just admitted to his having a date with another woman.

"And then back to your place?"

He nodded, now realizing it.  "Probably."

"Might I make a suggestion?"

"Of course."

"Take her to her hotel tonight.  I'll need at least until tomorrow to get my things out of your house."

AJ looked surprised.  "Oh, God... I forgot."

She tried to smile.  "Yeah... I have quite a lot there."

"Oh, Meredith..."

"Don't, AJ... please.  Just give me time to get everything out.  Take her to her place tonight."  AJ nodded and turned to leave.  "AJ?"  He turned around and looked sadly at her.  "One last kiss?" she gulped, tears forming in her eyes again.

AJ stepped back to her and pulled her into his arms.  She slid her arms around his neck and pulled him tightly to her, running her tongue along his lips.  He opened them to her and she plundered his mouth as never before.  She pressed her hips against him and moved back and forth... trying to get a rise out of him.  

But there was nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  She released him, and he moaned as she backed up.  "Goodbye, AJ.  When I have everything out tomorrow, I'll leave the key on the table by the front door."

AJ nodded and walked to the door.  He reached in his pocket and pulled out his key to her apartment, laying it on the entry table.  Then he opened the door, turned back to face her one last time, and said, "I'm sorry, Meredith.  I'm truly sorry."

Friday, 7 November 2003
1830 EDT
Chegwidden Residence
McLean, Virginia

AJ pulled the end of his tie through the final loop and tightened it at his neck. He grabbed his suit jacket and slipped into it, grabbed his keys, and headed for the door. As he pulled it open, he remembered that he wasn't planning to bring Brianna back to the house tonight. 'Might need a bag then,' he decided and returned to his bedroom. He grabbed his duffle from the closet floor and quickly perused its contents. It was still well stocked from the last time he stayed overnight at Meredith's.

Meredith. The name hung in the air. "Gotta stop thinking about her, Chegwidden," he scolded himself as he added a few things to the duffle, noting with pleasure the unopened box of condoms already in the bag. "It's not going to do you or her any good to dwell on it. She was right. You've never reacted to her the way you did to Brianna when you first saw her. Hell, I have more of a reaction when I see Mac in an evening gown than when I see Meredith in the shower," he muttered under his breath, shaking his head. "There for a while I was afraid I might start having to take Viagra."

Finally ready, he tossed his duffle in the back and headed for Brianna's hotel. The closer he got to the Hilton, the more uncomfortable he felt. "Damn, I can't walk into that hotel like this," he groaned. "Well, only thing to do..." He opened all the windows to let the 35-degree air inside. Then he turned the air conditioning on full blast and aimed the vents right at his groin. Then he reached down and unzipped his fly. It didn't take any time at all for him to return to normal.

As he pulled in front of the hotel, he quickly zipped his pants and flipped the A/C over to the heater. The last window closed just as the valet reached the driver's door to open it. AJ stepped out and smiled, "I'm just picking up a lady for dinner; we'll be right out."

"Very good, Sir," the young man replied, wondering why the inside of the car was so blasted cold.

AJ walked inside and then debated on whether to call Brianna from the lobby or actually go to her room. He was more than a little concerned that if he went upstairs now, they'd never leave for dinner. He saw a phone on a small table and decided to call her. He dialed her room number and listened as the phone rang... and rang... and rang. "That's odd."

"Nothing odd about it," a feminine voice said from behind him. AJ turned and there stood Brianna. His smile burst on his face as he recognized her. But as his gaze moved down her body, taking in her voluptuous form filling out a daring royal blue dress, his smile turned into a feral grin. "AJ?" she whispered when he still hadn't said anything.

"Mmm?"

"Am I dressed all right? You're looking at me rather... um..."

"You're perfect, Brianna. Absolutely perfect," he breathed. "Shall we go?"

Friday, 7 November 2003
1920 EDT
Morton's of Chicago
Vienna, Virginia

The ride to Morton's was a quiet one; and as short as it was, it seemed to take forever to get there. The traffic was horrendous and Brianna felt that AJ didn't need her talking his ear off while he tried to concentrate on driving. AJ, on the other hand, was afraid that her quietness stemmed from his lecherous gaze in the hotel lobby.

When he pulled into a parking space at the restaurant, AJ turned off the engine and laid his right hand on her knee. "I apologize for my reaction back at the hotel, Brianna," he said quietly. "I wasn't expecting to see you when I turned around, and..."

"I rather liked your reaction, AJ," she replied with a smile.

"You did?"

She nodded in the darkness. "I don't usually get that reaction from men. I'm not the most gorgeous woman in the world. And it's nice..."

"You're magnificent, Brianna," he interrupted. "How can you think you're not beautiful?"

She smiled indulgently and laid her hand on his cheek. "Oh, AJ, you are good for my ego."

"You've been listening to Lyle again, haven't you?" AJ accused. "You should know better than listen to what your brother says. He doesn't see you the way a man sees a woman. He sees his sister. There's a difference. A BIG difference."

Brianna laughed. "I take it you speak from experience?"

AJ chuckled, "True. Adele is cute, but not a raving beauty in my eyes."

"But I'll bet Charlie thinks she's God's gift to men, hmm?"

"You know it," AJ replied, thinking of his brother-in-law. Brianna's stomach growled and AJ laughed. "Your stomach has a way of telling you when to feed it!"

"It sure does. It's been this way since I can remember. Very annoying," she said, slightly embarrassed.

"Let's go inside and feed you, then." AJ was out of his seat and around to open her door before the sound of his door opening even registered in her brain.

The couple was seated at a quiet table near the fireplace. "This is lovely," Brianna observed aloud.

"The food's even better," AJ informed her as they opened their menus. The waiter appeared, took their order, and left them to talk. "So, how long have you been planning this little trip to DC?"

Brianna almost giggled. "Would you believe since you were transferred back here in ''95?" She sighed then. "But I never had the guts. I guess I felt if you really wanted to meet me, you'd have come to North Carolina at some point."

AJ shrugged, "I should have. I meant to. I planned to several times over the years, and things just didn't work out. I was going to be there back in '81 when you finished high school."

"Oh, please! Don't remind me! I still can't believe I hung up on you like that. The first time you'd ever phoned me, and I slammed the receiver down in your ear," she moaned.

AJ chuckled. "Took me by surprise, that's for sure." He thought some more. "Let's see... next time was in '85. I knew I couldn't make both your college graduation and your wedding, so I chose the wedding... and of course, that was the wrong choice since it didn't happen," he shook his head.

"And then when I did actually get married in '91, you'd just taken over JAG in Hawaii and couldn't take time off," she recounted.

"Well, certainly, once I was back in DC and I knew you were still in North Carolina, I should have made an effort," AJ admitted.

"Why didn't you, AJ?" she asked quietly.

"I don't know exactly, Brianna. Maybe because I still thought of you as a little girl, or at most a college girl. Maybe I was afraid you wouldn't be what I'd pictured... imagined... all these years."

She chanced a smile. "Am I? What you imagined?"

"Far from it," he breathed.

"Is that a good thing? Or a bad thing?"

"Oh, that's a very good thing, Darlin'," he chuckled.. "I could get arrested for thinking these thoughts about the little girl I had pictured in my mind's eye." Their dinner soon arrived, and they made quick work of their food, teasing and flirting with each other through the entire meal. 

The waiter appeared at their table with the dessert tray.  "Anyone care for dessert?" he asked.

AJ smiled when he saw the rich upside-down apple pie.  He'd been looking forward to that.  Nice... hot... Mmm, he could almost taste the hot apples.  He deferred to his date, "What would you like, Brianna?"

She shook her head and replied, "Not a thing.  I can't eat another bite."

AJ reached over and clasped her hand.  "Are you sure you don't want something for dessert, Darlin'?"  He really wanted that hot upside-down apple pie.

"Besides you, you mean?" she teased.

With the waiter standing there at the table, AJ actually blushed.  "Yes, besides me."

Brianna leaned over and whispered in AJ's ear, "AJ, I really am so full that if I have dessert here, I won't be able to... share dessert... when we leave." She looked him right in the eye to be sure he understood her meaning.  Then she sat back up straight.  "Take your pick," she smiled.

"We're leaving," he announced to the waiter, his feral grin back on his face, the apple pie forgotten.  "Check, please."

Friday, 7 November 2003
2220 EDT
Tyson's Corner Hilton
McLean, Virginia

AJ turned on Jones Branch Drive and prepared to turn in at the hotel's front entrance. Brianna laid her hand on his thigh and said, "You are planning to stay, I trust?"

AJ almost growled his agreement. "After what you said in the restaurant about dessert? You know I am, Darlin'!" He stopped the car at the front door, and the valets opened both doors immediately.

"Going back out this evening, Sir?" the young man asked AJ, handing him the valet claim ticket for his vehicle.

"Nope. In for the night, Son. Just let me grab my duffle from the back."

"Very good, Sir."

AJ reached in the back and grabbed his bag, then rounded the vehicle and slipped his other arm around Brianna's waist. "Oooo, he planned ahead," she teased, seeing his overnight bag.

AJ winked, "Sure did. I had hopes."

"And I have dreams."

They walked through the lobby and AJ pressed the elevator call button. As they waited for the doors to open, AJ pulled Brianna in for a kiss, whispering, "I'll do my best to see that those dreams come true, Brie."

Brianna shivered in anticipation. They stepped into the elevator car and Brianna pressed the button for the eighth floor. "You've never called me that before, you know."

"Called you what?"

"Brie."

"I haven't? I think of you that way all the time. I'm surprised I've never said it. Do you mind?" he asked.

Brianna shook her head. "Not at all. 'Brianna' is a mouth full at times," she giggled.

"Oh, I certainly hope so," he leered.

Brianna turned a lovely shade of deep crimson. "AJ! That is not what I meant, and you know it!" she scolded him.

"Maybe not, but it's certainly what I mean to have tonight, my pretty." Brianna giggled as AJ wiggled his eyebrows.

The elevator doors opened and they made their way to Brianna's room. She quickly unlocked the door and pushed it open. "Here we are," she said, almost nervously as they walked inside, closing the door behind them.

AJ picked up on the shakiness in her voice. "Brianna, are you sure this is what you want? We can always go back downstairs and visit for a while, and then say good night. There's nothing wrong with that," he proposed.

Brianna smiled, a tear forming in the corner of her eye. "Ever the gentleman?" He nodded. "Is that what you want, AJ?"

AJ lifted his duffle as he spoke, "I wouldn't have brought this along if that's what I wanted." He tossed it on the floor next to the dresser and then removed his overcoat, laying it on the foot of the bed.

He helped Brianna out of her coat, and she hung it up in the closet. "You brought that before we had dinner and had a chance to really talk and get to know one another. How do you feel now? Would you still have brought it, knowing what you do..."

AJ interrupted her. "Most definitely. And what do you mean, 'got to know one another'? Brianna, we've known each other for 33 years!" She didn't look convinced. "Okay, yes... you were a child for the first 15 years. But still, that leaves the last 18!"

"True, but we'd never actually met. We never..."

"That was my fault."

"I'm not laying blame, AJ. I'm just... I'm..." she floundered. "I just don't want you to feel that you have to do this. I surprised you today... showed up uninvited, out of the blue..." She walked over to the windows and stared out at the lights shining below. She wrapped her arms around herself and her voice shook as she continued. "It was wrong of me to come today. But I've loved you for so long, I just had to try. I couldn't let you get married again without your knowing how I felt," she whispered. "I'm sorry. I never should have come."

AJ walked up behind her. He put his hands on her shoulders and pulled her back against his chest. "Brianna, I'm very glad you did come today. By doing so, you prevented my making a mistake." She shook her head to refute his statement. "Yes, Brie, it would have been a mistake to marry Meredith. Even she admitted that she knew I was in love with you." Brianna turned around and lifted tear-filled eyes in question. "That's right," he said softly. "She told me that I've been in love with you for years.  She even ventured to guess that my love for you as a child turned into love for the woman when you proposed to me... when you thought you were pregnant. Remember?"

Brianna's eyes grew large. "You told her about that!?"

AJ chuckled. "Well, actually, she said when you finished college. And yes, I told her all about you. I spoke of you a lot. Enough for her to figure out what I never did until today... that I'm in love with you."

"Are you, AJ? Are you really?" she breathed.

"Oh yeah," he growled, lifting her face and claiming her mouth with his.

Brianna wound her arms around his neck and pressed herself tighter against him. She could feel his arousal. "Is that for me?" she teased.

"He's been that way all night, Darlin'. Are you just noticing it?"

"It wasn't that way when you picked me up," she insisted. When he raised an eyebrow in question, she defended herself, "I looked!"

AJ laughed outright. "Oh, you did, did you?"

Brianna realized how forward that sounded, but she couldn't help it. "Yes, I did," she blushed.

"Well, the only reason he wasn't is because I froze him on the way over here," AJ confessed.

"You did what?"

"I froze him. He was straining at the bit, and I knew I couldn't walk into the hotel alone sporting a rod like that. So I rolled all the windows down and turned on the A/C... full blast." AJ decided not to mention that he also unzipped his fly. That was a bit too much information, in his opinion.

Brianna giggled. "Really?" At AJ's nod, she laughed some more. "Well, I'll tell you what. Why don't you let me make him a bit happier?" AJ grinned. Brianna stooped over and spoke directly to the bulge in the front of his pants, "And I promise you, I won't freeze you."

AJ pulled her back up to him and kissed her lightly on the nose. Then he released her and slipped off his suit coat and set it on the back of the desk chair. Then he walked past Brianna to the door. He pulled it open, moved the 'Do not disturb' sign to the outside doorknob, closed the door, and bolted it. When he turned around, Brianna was stretched out on the king-size bed, her dress already off and draped over the chair. "I've wanted this for so long," she purred. "So very, very long."

AJ was next to her on the bed in two seconds, pulling her into his arms, and burying his tongue in her mouth. She moved her tongue inside his mouth next and licked the back of his upper front teeth. AJ shivered at the intimate gesture and pulled her closer to him. "You're so sweet," he cooed to her. "Oh, Brie..."

Brianna pulled away slightly and moved her hands to AJ's shirt, unfastening the buttons quickly. She yanked it down his arms and tossed it aside. Then she lifted his undershirt off of him and threw it on top of the discarded shirt. She moved her hands to his trousers next. She unfastened the belt buckle, unbuttoned the waistband, and scooted to the end of the bed to pull the pants off AJ's legs. He laughed as she pulled and yanked until the offending garment was at his ankles.

"Oops," she giggled. "I forgot your shoes!" AJ laid on his back and toed his shoes off quickly. Brianna then made quick work of his trousers and socks. She slid back up to his side and kissed him.

AJ tweaked her nose gently and then rolled off the bed. He unzipped his duffle, and that's when she realized what he was after. "AJ? I'm on the pill. And I'm clean. Just went to the doctor two weeks ago, in fact. I wanted to be absolutely certain," she whispered.

He turned to face her while she was talking. "I'm clean, too. Just had the blood work and all done for the marriage license last week, in fact." She blanched when he said "marriage license". "I'm sorry, Darlin'; I shouldn't have phrased it that way." He knelt back on the bed and kissed her stomach through her slip. "So, you don't want me to use a condom?" She shook her head. "You're sure?" She nodded. AJ smiled. "Your wish is my command, my love."

"Then make love to me, AJ. Now," she begged.

"It'll be my pleasure, Darlin'." And they spent the next two hours pleasuring each other, getting to know each other's body. "Oh, Brianna," AJ sighed, collapsing to her side and pulling her close to him. "You are magnificent."

"Me?" she almost squeaked. "AJ, you're the magnificent one. I've never had anyone make love to me like that before." He turned surprised eyes to her. "Seriously. Never. It's always been about them... not me."

"What did Steve do?" he asked before he could help himself. "No," he said quickly. "I don't want to know." He pulled Brianna into his arms and kissed her soundly. "It's you and me now, Brie. No one we've had before matters." He leaned back so he could see her face. "Agreed?"

She smiled brilliantly. "Most definitely."

AJ laid her down on her back and he perched himself on his side, trailing his right hand over her breasts. "You have a beautiful body, Darlin'. You won't share it with anyone else ever again," he informed her. "You're mine now."

Brianna smiled. "Is that what you really want, AJ?"

He nodded. "It's a little crass of me to call off one engagement, and not 12 hours later, enter into another... but yes, that's what I want." He captured her lips in a searing kiss. "I love you, Brianna. I want you with me always. Marry me. Be my wife?"

Brianna agreed instantly. "Of course I will, Sailor. I've always been yours; you just didn't know it." He drew her back into his embrace and was about to make love to her again, when Brianna pulled away. "There's just one thing," she said.

AJ looked at her curiously. "What's that?"

"I have another love. And I won't give him up. I've slept with him off and on for ... oh, forever!" she said hesitantly. AJ looked sternly at her, but before he said anything, she hurried on to say, "Please try to understand, AJ. I love him... he's seen me through so much... he's been there for me... and he lets me kiss him, hug him... and slap him around when I'm upset. And he never complains. He's always there... and he always lets me love him."

"Brianna, I'm not going to share you..." AJ started. But she pulled away from him and rolled over to the far side of the bed, landing on her stomach. "Brie, please..."

When Brianna rolled back over, she was clutching an enormous stuffed animal. "AJ? Meet AJ," she giggled.

AJ looked at the stuffed seal and his jaw fell open. "Is that the same seal I gave you all those years ago?" he asked incredulously.

Brianna nodded. "He's been mended a few times, but this is him. He goes with me whenever I travel anywhere.  AJ. My seal."

AJ shook his head and reached for the stuffed animal. He tossed it off the bed and pulled Brianna under him. "No, Darlin'.  I'm AJ.  And I'm your SeAL."

The end.