From Sarah, with Love

Rating: R

Disclaimer: JAG and all its characters belong to Belisarius Productions, Paramount, CBS, Viacom, and probably endless others.

Summary: Here's my response to Steph's challenge; a story centered around Sarah Connor's song, "From Sarah, with Love"... with the premise that "our" Sarah wrote the song. Mac rejects AJ's love, then decides she made the wrong choice.

Author's comments: Want to hear the song? Just click here. Characters' speaking parts are in double quotes ("text"); characters' thoughts are in single quotes ('text').

12 December 2003
1845 EST
McMurphy's Tavern
Falls Church, Virginia

Colonel Sarah MacKenzie sat at the bar nursing her second glass of tonic water and lime. She really wanted something stronger, but she flatly refused to succumb. That would drag her down further into her misery.

'No, this alcoholic is not going to let this beat me. I will not do it. I failed when Dalton died, but I haven't since. And I won't now. It's just another day. It's just another wedding.' She took another sip. 'But it could have been my wedding. It should have been my wedding. Oh, God, why? Why did I let this happen? Why did I push him away? What was I thinking?'

She had decided to come here to McMurphy's because she had so many fond memories of this place. This was where they all came on Friday nights after work to begin their weekends. And she knew none of them would be here tonight. They'd all be at the Church... for their CO's wedding. Mac arrived back in the States on 6 December, and she'd avoided all of her old friends. She was on leave until the first of the year, and she didn't want to talk to anyone. She only came back to DC because she wanted to be near him. She hadn't even turned on her answering machine.

Mac felt the rush of cold air as the door to the tavern opened and someone walked in. She didn't turn to look; she wasn't the least bit interested in knowing who else was spending a Friday evening alone at a bar. 'I shouldn't be here... alone... tonight. I should be with him. It should be me at that altar, saying "I do". Me! It should be me!!' Mac's eyes filled with tears and they slipped silently down her cheeks.

She heard the juke box start up, again. It had been quiet for the last half hour, and she was glad. 'Oh no. Not another Christmas song.' That's all she'd heard for weeks. But when the music started playing, it wasn't a Christmas song. It was her song. It was her voice. And the last two years played back in her mind as the song played on...

"For so many years we were friends,
And yes I always knew what we could do;
But so many tears in the rain
Felt the night you said
That love had come to you."

~~Valentine's Day 2002~~
~~2030 EDT~~
~~Admiral Chegwidden's Residence~~
~~McLean, Virginia~~

"Sarah, I love you. You must know that," Admiral AJ Chegwidden declared. "I've loved you for seven years."

"No, AJ, you don't love me. Not that way," Mac argued. "Not marriage love."

"Sarah, I know how I feel about you. I thought you felt the same about me."

"AJ, you know I love you. The time we've shared together these last months has really been special to me. I..."

"But you're not in love with me. That's what you're saying, isn't it?" he pressed.

"No! Of course I'm in love with you. I just don't think it's 'forever' love," Mac replied. AJ turned away from her; he stared out the window to a point on the horizon. "I'm sorry, AJ. I just can't marry you. I do love you. Can't we just stay as we are?"

"No, Sarah, we can't. I love you. And I want a commitment from you. I want to know that 5 years from now, you'll still be with me."

"Marriage doesn't guarantee that, AJ. You should know that."

He turned to face her. "I do know that. I also know that you won't be transferred away from me if we're married. And I can see it coming, Sarah. You've only been in your new position for 3 months, and General Isaacson has already..."

"AJ, please! I'm not going anywhere. General Isaacson isn't going to send a lawyer off to a combat zone."

"Why do you think he requested a Marine lawyer, Sarah?" AJ said quietly. "Because he wanted someone who was trained for combat. Most Naval lawyers aren't trained for combat. Marines are."

Mac smiled. "Isaacson is old fashioned, AJ. He's not going to send a woman into a combat zone."

"So your answer is no?" AJ returned to his proposal.

"I'm sorry, AJ. I can't marry you."

AJ gazed at her longingly. "I'll drive you home," he finally said softly.

"You want me to leave?" she asked incredulously. "I thought we were going to spend the entire weekend together?"

"I can't, Sarah," AJ said sadly. "I love you too much to just have a weekend of sex."

"But we've had them before, AJ..." Mac insisted.

"No, Sarah. You have had them before evidently. What I had were weekends of making love to the woman I want as my wife," AJ swallowed hard to keep from losing control of his feelings. "I can't... I can't..." AJ bit his lower lip. "Get your coat, Sarah."

"I thought you were not my kind
I thought that I could never feel for you
The passion and love you were feeling.
And so you left for someone new.
And now that you're far an away,
I'm sending a letter today."

~~Christmas Eve 2002~~
~~2355 Echo~~
~~Colonel MacKenzie's Tent~~
~~Islamabad, Pakistan~~

Mac was finally alone and ready to read her letter from AJ. She was so excited earlier in the day when the Corporal brought it to her. But she hadn't had a spare minute she could call her own since she took possession of the missive.

'Oh, AJ, I miss you so much!' she thought as she tore into the envelope. 'Ask me, again, AJ. I'll say yes now. I'll come home, and I'll marry you in heartbeat. I do love you. So much. Oh, God, why did I think I didn't? How could I have not understood my own feelings? My own heart? Why did it take having to leave you for all these months to...' Her heart was in her throat as her eye caught a portion of the letter. "Oh my God! No! AJ, no!!" she burst into tears and threw herself across her bunk. She buried her face in her pillow trying to silence her sobs.

"Colonel? Colonel MacKenzie? Are you all right, Ma'am?" a voice asked from outside her tent.

"Fine," she managed to choke out. "I'm fine, Corporal. Thank you. Good night."

"It's midnight, Ma'am. Merry Christmas," the young man said and walked away.

Mac turned over and read AJ's letter in full.

24 November 2002

Dear Sarah,

Congratulations on your eagles! Promotion well deserved. I wish I could have been there to do the honors. I'm sure there were plenty of men who were vying for the job. Who ended up being the lucky SOB?

I hope this letter finds you well. It's the Sunday after Thanksgiving here. Francesca was in for the holiday. She sends her greetings, as do all the staff at JAG. You probably already know this, but just in case you haven't heard, Harriett is expecting another baby. We're all hoping that things go well this time. Sturgis and Bobbi are expecting a little one in a few months, too. Have you heard from Harm lately? He seems to be thoroughly enjoying his stint in Hawai'i.

Sarah, I want to apologize for making you so uncomfortable in February. I should have realized that you weren't in love with me. I'm usually more astute in my relationships; for some reason, I just didn't see it. I am sorry.

I do have some news of my own. I met someone at the Labor Day picnic. She's a lovely woman, Sarah, and I think you'd like her. Her name is Carolyn Phillips. We've been seeing a lot of each other in the last 3 months. She's a divorced mother of 2; both kids are grown and in college. I haven't met them yet. They were supposed to come home for Thanksgiving, but they changed their plans at the last minute. Carolyn was disappointed, of course. I guess I'll meet them at Christmas.

Not much else to say, except to wish you a happy holiday season. Stay safe, Sarah.

Love always, AJ

Mac's tears coursed down her face, and she turned into her bunk, again. She buried her head in her pillow and let the sobs escape. "I've lost him. He doesn't want me anymore. Oh God, what have I done?"

"From Sarah, with love.
She'd got the lover she is dreaming of.
She never found the words to say,
But I know that today
She's gonna send her letter to you.
From Sarah, with love."

~~New Years Eve 2002~~
~~1800 Echo~~
~~Colonel MacKenzie's Tent~~
~~Islamabad, Pakistan~~

Mac sat at her make-shift desk, pen poised on the paper. But she couldn't put into words what she felt. She wanted to write AJ, to tell him how wrong she'd been. She wanted to tell him to wait for her, that she'd be back. And they'd be together. She loved him. She knew that now. She wanted no one but AJ. He'd wait for her if he knew. 'He'll drop this Carolyn person once he knows how I feel,' she thought. She began to write.

31 December 2002

Dearest AJ,

How can I begin to tell you how much I've missed you these last 10+ months? How do I tell you how wrong I was in refusing you? In leaving you? Oh, AJ, I do love you. So much!

"Colonel MacKenzie?" a voice called from outside her tent.

"Enter!" she yelled.

The young Corporal lifted the flap on her tent and walked inside. "Beg your pardon, Ma'am. But I missed giving you this letter this afternoon," he explained as he handed her a pale pink envelope.

"Thank you, Corporal. Dismissed." Mac recognized the envelope. Harriett's letters all came the same way: on violet stationery inside of a pale pink envelope. Mac tore the envelope open and began reading.

15 December 2002

Dear Colonel MacKenzie,

Congratulations on your promotion from everyone here at JAG! We were all so happy when the Admiral told us about it. He's very proud of you, as are the rest of us.

My pregnancy is going well. I haven't really been sick much with this one, which has been a real blessing. We still don't know the sex of the baby; Bud is hoping for a girl, but I don't really care. I just want the baby to be healthy and I pray that there aren't any complications this time.

Have you heard about the Admiral's new girlfriend? He brought her to the JAG Christmas party last night. She's a knockout! She looked more like someone Commander Rabb would have on his arm than I ever expected the Admiral to want. But I'm happy for him. He seems to really like this woman. They met at the Labor Day picnic at the SecNav's house, I believe. He was very attentive to her, and she seems to hang on his every word. She's very different from Dr. Walden; I think maybe this one's a 'keeper'. I hope so, for his sake.

He's seemed especially lonely this year. Well, not January and the first part of February. He was really happy then. Happier than I think I've ever seen him. But then it was like he lost his best friend. I wonder if he was involved with someone and we just didn't know about her... and it ended in February? I didn't think about that until just now. I'll bet it was something like that.

I don't understand why he's still alone. He is such a wonderful man. I actually hoped that you and he would get together after you left JAG last year. I hope you don't mind my saying that, Mac. But I love you like a sister, and he is just such a wonderful man. Well, enough of my ramblings. I'd better let you go so you can have a good laugh to my silly ideas. He's very happy now with Carolyn. And you must be happy, too, with your promotion.

Take care and have a wonderful Christmas and New Year!

Love, Harriett (and Bud, little AJ, and Jingo)

Mac read the letter through, again. And again. She picked up the letter she had started to AJ and wadded it up. Suddenly the sirens began blaring. "Damn!" she cried, throwing the paper in the waste bucket. She grabbed her weapon and ran outside.

"She took your picture to the stars above,
And they told her, it is true,
She could dare to fall in love with you.
So don't make her blue when she writes to you.
From Sarah, with love."

~~Valentine's Day 2003~~
~~1430 Echo~~
~~Gypsy Tent~~
~~Zahedan, Iran~~

Mac laid the picture of AJ in front of the old gypsy woman. This gypsy was known throughout Iran; what she said almost always came to pass. She was seldom wrong. Mac sat, waiting... hoping for a miracle. The old woman picked up the picture. She held it to her breast and closed her eyes. She began mumbling something that Mac couldn't quite make out.

After almost 20 minutes, the gypsy opened her eyes and smiled at Mac. Her voice was shaky and weak with age. "Yes, my dear. He is yours. He belongs to you, and none else shall have him." The gypsy laid the picture back down on the table, stood up, and left the tent... leaving Mac alone.

"Wait! Please! What else? What about..." Mac called, but the old gypsy woman was gone. Mac ran out of the tent, but the woman was no where to be seen. "But she said that he's mine. That no one else will have him. He'll wait for me. I know he will. He has to!"

"So maybe the chance for romance
Is like a train to catch before it's gone,
And I'll keep on waiting and dreaming.
You're strong enough to understand.
As long as you're so far and away,
I'm sending a letter each day."

~~Memorial Day 2003~~
~~2115 Echo~~
~~Colonel MacKenzie's Tent~~
~~Islamabad, Pakistan~~

Mac had received another letter from AJ this afternoon. She was so excited; this would be his answer to her letter. She knew what it would say: that he loved her and he would wait for her. She had written him the day after she visited the old gypsy in Iran. She had told him how much she loved him, that she was wrong in refusing him, and that she was going to request a transfer back to the States as soon as possible. And she'd found out only this morning that her request was approved! She'd be heading home before Independence Day!

Mac opened the letter and began to read.

Easter 2003

Dear Sarah,

I only have time for a quick note; Carolyn will be ready to leave for Church soon. But I want to get this in the mail to you today, because I want you to hear it from me, not Harriett.

I asked Carolyn to marry me last night, and she accepted. We're planning a December wedding.

I hope you're doing well and that you're happy. Think of me now and then, as I do you.

Love always, AJ

"NOOOOOO!!!!" Mac's scream was heard all the way across the grounds.

"From Sarah, with love.
She'd got the lover she is dreaming of.
She never found the words to say,
But I know that today
She's gonna send her letter to you."

"From Sarah, with love.
She's gotta know what you're thinking of,
'Cause every little now and then,
And again and again,
I know her heart cries out for you."

~~Independence Day 2003~~
~~1400 EET~~
~~Colonel MacKenzie's Office~~
~~Incerlik, Turkey~~

Mac picked up the phone. "Colonel MacKenzie."

"Mac? It's Harm! How are you?"

"Harm! Hello! It's wonderful to hear from you. I'm doing... great. How about you? And where are you?"

"I'm doing pretty good, myself. And I'm right outside your office," he chuckled.

"What!?" Mac dropped the receiver and ran to the door. As she flung it open, she ran right into Harm's open arms. "Harm!!" she cried and wrapped her arms around him. He lowered his head as she raised hers and their lips met in a hard and passionate kiss.

As they tore themselves apart, they looked at each other and both blushed furiously.

"Harm, I..." "Mac, I..." they said at the same time. Then they laughed.

"Hello, stranger," Mac said.

"Hello, yourself," Harm bantered back. "Miss me?"

"You know I did. You miss me?"

"Of course."

Mac turned and walked back in her office, holding Harm's hand and pulling him with her. "What brings you to Turkey?"

"You, Mac."

"Me? What do you mean?" she asked.

"I was in Italy this week, happened to visit with Francesca Parretti. She mentioned that the Admiral is getting married, again. In December." Harm watched Mac's face closely. There was no visible sign of interest. "I see you already know about it." Mac nodded. "You okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" she challenged.

"Mac, this is me you're talking to. Harm. Harmon Rabb. Remember?"

Mac turned and looked out the window. "I'm fine, Harm. I'll admit, it was a shock when AJ wrote and said he was getting married. But I'm okay with it now. He must love her. He must be happy with her. And that's all that matters. That he's happy."

"Mac, your happiness matters, too," Harm said gently.

She shook her head. "I had my chance, Harm. And I blew it. I turned him down."

"What?"

She turned back to face him. "I turned him down, Harm. He proposed, and I said no."

"Mac, I... I didn't know. I'm sorry."

"So am I, Harm. Because it was the biggest mistake of my life. But it's over. It's done. And he's marrying someone else now."

"Mac, have you told him how you feel?"

Mac nodded. "I wrote him back in February. He proposed to Carolyn in May. He knows. His feelings have changed, that's all. I hurt him too much for him to forgive me." Mac was fighting tears by biting her lips.

"Ah, Mac, I'm sorry," Harm said as he gathered her in his arms and held her. "Are you sure he got the letter, Mac? Did he answer it?"

Mac shook her head. "He never answered it directly. But just the fact that he wrote me to tell me about his engagement was enough to know that he got it. And he just didn't want to embarrass me. I'd gotten approval to go home; I'd be there by now. But after I got his letter, I cancelled my request. So here I am. In Turkey. And he's getting... married..." And then the tears came; Harm held her until her sobs subsided.

"Let's go get something to eat. You shouldn't be working today, anyway. It's a holiday."

"Not here."

"You're an American, Mac. And it's a National holiday for Americans. Come on, let's go," Harm urged.

Harm and Mac spent the evening together, and he walked her back to her quarters. "Stay with me tonight, Harm," Mac requested as she opened the door.

Harm was surprised at her suggestion. "Mac..." he shook his head.

"Please, Harm. I need you tonight. I haven't felt like a woman in... God... in so long. Please, Harm," she coerced. "Please?"

"Mac, I can't. You don't..."

Mac snaked her arms up around his neck and pulled his head down to her face. She kissed him hard and passionately, like she had in the office earlier. Harm responded. He pulled her closer to him and crushed her body against his. She deepened the kiss, and she could feel Harm's desire for her growing. Mac inched her way backwards, inside her quarters, pulling Harm with her.

Once inside, Harm kicked the door shut, and they moved quickly to her bedroom. Harm pulled her blouse out from her slacks and slid his hands under it. He unclasped her bra with one hand and used the other hand to unbutton the blouse. Mac's hands weren't idle during this. She was quickly divesting Harm of his shirt and pants. Harm stood in his boxers and Mac solely in her panties as they laid down on the bed. Just as Harm moved to Mac's breast, she began crying. She turned away from him and curled up into a ball.

"Mac? Honey, what is it?" Harm asked gently.

"I can't. I'm sorry, Harm," she wailed. "I just can't. I love him so much. Oh, God... it hurts! It hurts so much. AJ... AJ!"

"Shh, Mac, okay. It's okay; I understand. Shhh..." Harm sat up and wrapped Mac in the sheet. He pulled her into his lap and rocked her like a baby. "Okay, Mac... it's okay. Cry, Sweetheart. Let it out..."

The next morning, Mac awoke to find herself wrapped in the sheet, still in Harm's lap with his arms holding her tightly. "Harm?" she whispered. "Harm?"

"Mmm... Wha... Umm, good morning," he said sleepily.

"Thank you," she said softly.

"Anytime, Mac."

"From Sarah, with love.
She'd got the lover she is dreaming of.
Never found words to say, ahh
But today, but today!"

~~Labor Day 2003~~
~~1530 EET~~
~~Officer's Club~~
~~Incerlik, Turkey~~

Mac hummed the tune while Major David Jensen picked it out on the old piano. "That's a great tune, Colonel. Where'd you hear it?"

"I made it up last night. Well, actually, I guess it was early this morning," Mac replied.

"That's your tune?" he asked. "It's great! Ma'am, if you'd like, I'd be honored to set it to music for you. I can write out the score and everything. We even have a small band here... Are there words, Ma'am?"

"Yes, Major. I wrote the words first, actually. The tune just sort of followed," Mac explained.

"Ma'am, with your permission, I'd like to flesh this out into written form. And have the band learn it. Do you sing, Ma'am?" Mac shook her head. "Have you ever tried, Colonel?"

Mac smiled. "Not since junior high."

"Try this; sing the Do-Re-Mi song, Ma'am." Jensen played the piano for her and started her off. Mac's voice was shaky, at best, but it had a definite quality to it that Jensen recognized. "Colonel, you practice singing your song. Make it part of yourself..."

"It already is, Major," Mac said sadly.

"It'll take me about a week to write this all out and then the band will have to practice it for a few days. How about Saturday afternoon, 13 September? If you're not busy, Ma'am, we can all meet back here and see what we've got."

On the 13th, Mac walked into the OC expectantly. She'd heard the band practicing her song several evenings over the past week. Now it was time for her to sing with them. She wasn't really nervous. This was just for fun. For her. She'd made it perfectly clear to Jensen that she wasn't interested in selling the song.

The band played the introduction and Mac took the microphone and sang. By the end of the first verse, the OC was filling up with people. They heard the music as they passed by, and came inside to see who it was. When Mac finished the song, the applause was deafening. "Again! Again!" they yelled. The band started playing it from the beginning... and Mac sang.

After they'd repeated the song another time for General Breton who appeared toward the tail end of the second repeat, they quit. The General approached Mac. "That's quite a song, Colonel."

"Thank you, Sir," she said, almost shyly, which surprised the General. Mac wasn't usually shy in the least.

"Colonel, did you write that song?" he asked.

She looked up and nodded. "Yes, Sir. I'm afraid I did."

"Good enough to be recorded, Mac. Jensen! See to it."

"Oh, but Sir, I..." Mac protested.

The General held up his hand. "No arguments, Colonel. My brother would have my hide if I let this opportunity pass by. He's the CEO of some record house or other." He turned to Major Jensen. "You work out the details to get this thing recorded. I'll send it to Thierry and..."

"Thierry?! Thierry Breton is your brother? Umm... Sir?" Jensen interrupted.

The General smiled his indulgence at the Major. "That's right. You know him?"

"Know him, Sir?" Jensen croaked. "He's the CEO of Thompson Multimedia!"

"Yes, that's the one... Thompson," the General agreed.

"I've never heard of..." Mac started.

Jensen just said, "RCA, Ma'am."

"RCA?"

"They own RCA, Ma'am."

By the first of November, Mac's song was on all the top charts. She only hoped AJ never heard it, because he'd know it was for him. She never intended the song to be published. That wasn't why she wrote it.

"She took your picture to the stars above,
And they told her, it is true,
She could dare to fall in love with you.
So don't make her blue when she writes to you.
From Sarah, with love."

"So don't make me blue when I write to you.
From Sarah, with love."

Mac took the last swallow of her drink and set the glass on the bar as the song finished. "1900," she said. "Well, she's walking down the aisle right about now. Damn her!"

"It isn't nice to damn someone you don't even know, Sarah."

Mac whirled around on the barstool and nearly fell off. He reached out and grabbed her to steady her. "AJ! What are you... What... I..." she stammered. "You're supposed to be... at the Church! Getting married. Now!"

"How could I marry a woman I didn't love completely? You couldn't marry Mic. I couldn't marry Carolyn," AJ explained.

"But... You were all settled... It was..."

"We cancelled the wedding last week, Mac. I walked in on Carolyn's listening to your song on the radio. She was crying. When I heard what she was listening to, I knew. We cancelled it that night. I've been trying to find you since." AJ raised his hand and cupped Mac's cheek. "Why, Sarah? Why didn't you write and tell me you'd changed your mind?"

"I did write, AJ. In February. The next time I heard from you, you were announcing your engagement," she croaked. "I about died that night."

"I never received the letter, Sarah. I would never have proposed to Carolyn if I'd known you'd changed your mind. I love you, Darlin'. Dare I ask, again?"

Mac smiled and brought her lips up to meet his. "Yes, AJ. Please do ask, again."

"Marry me?"

"Yes. Oh, yes," she whispered as he covered her mouth with his.

The End.