Thursday, 4 October 2001
1135 EDT
On the Beach, Club Orient
St. Martin, French Caribbean

Sarah MacKenzie sat on the beach and let the wind blow through her hair. She raised her arms up over her head and stretched. She looked out over the water and was mesmerized by the waves crashing in on the shore. She didn’t notice the people walking by. She didn’t care that men and women stared at her; she didn’t even realize they were.

She was shocked when she arrived last Saturday to learn that this was a clothing-optional resort. Why on earth would Webb have suggested it to her? She certainly couldn’t picture him coming to a place like this. The first couple of days at the resort, Mac had been hesitant to bare anything. But after a while, she got up the nerve to go topless, and now she didn’t even think about it. She still didn’t have the nerve to go completely nude…she doubted that she’d ever feel comfortable doing that. ‘Unless I’m with AJ,’ she mused.

Mac felt a chill run up her spine and she shivered. She pulled her t-shirt over her head, not hearing the disappointed sighs of the men walking past her. The same men who had walked past her a dozen times in the last hour, gawking at her. The t-shirt took the chill away; the last thing she wanted to do was get sick while on leave. That would be just her luck, though. Things had just not been going her way the last few months. 'Months? Ha! Years!' she mused.

When did things start going against her? Well, truth be told, it seemed like her entire life was a disappointment. At least her childhood had been. But when her Uncle Matt reached out to her and pulled her out of the gutter, her life started taking shape. She joined the Marines, and she made a name for herself. A good name. She was a force to reckon with, and many people knew it.

Her COs were always happy with her work, with her. Until this one. Admiral AJ Chegwidden. He was happy with her to begin with. She was sure he was. When did he begin to be unhappy with her? When was the first time he expressed dissatisfaction with her? Oh, there were a few cases here and there when they had disagreed, but he always respected her opinions and her decisions. He even backed her up when the SecNav questioned her motives. How had she ever ended up making the Admiral so very disappointed in her?

"It was when I left JAG to join Dalton's firm," she decided. "That's when I disappointed him the first time. That's when he decided that he couldn't trust me. Even when I came back, he didn't seem all that glad to see me." Granted, he had never processed her Request for Terminal Leave; that meant he had to believe she would come back. Or maybe he was just hoping she would come back. "Or maybe, like he said, he was too busy to bother with it at the time," she mumbled into the wind.

At any rate, he did take her back, but he gave her menial cases, had her upgrading the office administrative systems, doing worlds of paperwork, anything and everything to let her know she was not back in his good graces. She worked hard; she tried to please him. It was when young Luke Pendry was in danger that the Admiral let her back in to the inner sanctum. She fought right alongside him, and together they took out the bad guys while Harm rescued Luke. And when it was over, she kissed the Admiral on the cheek; something she'd wanted to do for two years but never had the nerve. He was surprised, but he didn't seem to mind.

Then Dalton was killed and Coster was stalking her. It was the worst time she'd gone through since Eddie died so many years ago. But that was behind her now, she wouldn't think of that. It always depressed her so. And in the midst of all that, the Admiral surprised everyone by having a party at his home. Mac always wondered about the ‘almost kiss' in his bedroom that night. Why it even happened. Or rather, why it didn't happen. "This is a mistake," Mac said quietly, repeating his words. But why was it a mistake? Sure, it was bad timing and all, but still. "I needed to be held. Dalton had died in my arms. I needed to know I was loved right then. Why was it a mistake? Why couldn't we have…?" Mac's tears began slipping down her cheeks. She brushed them away, angrily. "I will not go over this, again!" she yelled into the wind. "I know why! Regulations!" she spat.

The next few months after the 'almost kiss' were awkward, at best. The Admiral seemed uneasy when he was alone with Mac. Did he think she was going to attack him? Jump his bones? What? They finally settled back into a fairly comfortable camaraderie. Then all hell broke loose when Chris showed up. "God, why didn't I get a divorce? I'll never understand why I didn't do that. It would have been so easy, especially being a lawyer, myself. Then Chris would never have come back. And maybe he'd still be alive."

Yes, that was definitely the worst. And that's when the Admiral's attitude toward her changed dramatically. He was no longer approachable. He was cold. He was distant. He was her CO and that's all. There was no room for anything else, and he made sure she knew it. If only she'd known the real truth. If only she knew the real reason for his aloofness. When Brumby had accused the men of all being a little in love with Mac, the Admiral knew it was true. And he'd overcompensated for it by being cold and distant. But Mac didn't know that.

"At least he didn't let Brumby crucify me on the stand," she said to no one. But maybe that would have been better than what happened next.

"My Admiral's Mast," Mac groaned. The Admiral was so disappointed in her. He’d let her know in no uncertain terms how unhappy he was with her. How severely disappointed he was in her. How she had personally failed to live up to his expectations of her. "Well, maybe his expectations were too high," she tried to reason with herself. But she knew better. She knew that no matter how high AJ Chegwidden’s expectations were, she would strive to live up to them. She would do anything, absolutely anything, to have his respect back, again. And she felt that she almost had it back. Almost, but not quite. She was so close. And then this.

"How could I ever have dated Mic after he tried to convict me of murder?" But she hadn't just dated him. Mac had gone all the way with Mic Brumby, even to the point of being engaged to him. If it hadn't been for Harm's crash the night before her wedding, she would have married that damned Australian. "How could I have been so stupid?" 'How could I have so disappointed the Admiral?'

No, Mac knew he would never think well of her, again, now. She just had too many strikes against her. Sure, she’d done well on her TDY to the USS Guadalcanal and Indonesia. But even that didn’t outweigh her foolish mistakes. Mistakes that cost her the respect of the one man she wanted to please. The one man she wanted to have be proud of her. And, truth be told, the one man whose love she craved.

She would never have him now. Not even when she was no longer under his command. He would never want her. She would never be good enough for him. The tears formed in her eyes, again, and began slipping down her cheeks unbidden and unnoticed. Mac was miserable. Truly miserable. "I love him," she finally confessed. "I love him, and I’ll never have him." She buried her face in her hands and sobbed.

The couple lying on the beach blanket about 10 yards away heard her crying. They’d heard her speak a few times over the last hour, but she was pretty quiet for the most part. They looked over at her and saw her whole body shaking with her sobs. They looked at each other. Barbara whispered to her husband, "Do you think I should see if she’s okay? If she needs someone to talk to?"

Dave answered, "Do you really want to get involved, Honey?"

"Dave, she’s been alone all week. She’s looked so sad. And now this? I’m going to see if she wants to talk." Barbara got up and walked over to Mac. She knelt beside her and spoke softly. "Are you all right, dear? Can I get you something?" She laid her hand gently on Mac’s shoulder when Mac didn’t even open her eyes.

Mac didn’t realize Barbara was speaking to her, until she felt a weight on her shoulder. Mac’s eyes opened and she saw the woman kneeling beside her. She looked up to see Barbara’s concerned face. "Oh. I’m sorry. Did you say something?" Mac flushed.

Barbara smiled. "I just wanted to be sure you’re okay. Can I get you anything?"

"Um, no, thank you. I’m fine," Mac lied. "I should probably go in now, actually. I need to call my office."

"I didn’t mean to disturb you," Barbara said. "And I don’t mean to pry. I really just wanted to offer an ear if you need one. We’re in the chalet next to you." Mac looked up at her with a question in her eyes. "I’ve seen you all week. Waved a few times, but you’ve always been…well, aloof."

"I’m sorry," Mac apologized. "I didn’t realize. I guess I haven’t really been sociable this trip."

"No need to apologize. You must be here to get away from everyone and everything. Maybe someone in particular?" Mac nodded. "Then you don’t need an old biddy like me barging in your private time. But, dear, if you need to talk…if you need someone to listen…I’m available. I’m a good listener. And I’m not a gossip. As I said, we’re in the chalet next to you…#64. You need an ear, you come get me. My name’s Barbara." Barbara patted Mac’s shoulder and stood up.

"Thank you, Barbara," Mac said softly as another tear slipped out of her eye and down her cheek. Mac gathered her things and headed for her chalet.

Thursday, 4 October 2001
1315 EDT
Chalet #62, Club Orient
St. Martin, French Caribbean

Mac took her shower and dried off. She sat on the edge of the bed and checked her phone messages; there were plenty, as usual. ‘Why can’t I even get away for a week?’ she wondered. She hit the speaker on the phone and listened to them, one at the time. The first one was from Harm. "Again?"

"Message 1 received at 9:34 today." "Mac, it’s Thursday. You said you’d talk to me today. Where are you? Mac, please. Call me."

"Message 2 received at 10:03 today." "Good morning, Colonel. This is Harriett. I just wanted to call and let you know about Jingo. He’s doing a lot better now. He’s keeping his food down, and the Vet says he’s going to be fine. He did say, though, that he wouldn’t suggest Jingo be around small children for a while. He’s too unpredictable, and he could lash out at them. I know that seems unreal for Jingo; he’s so mild mannered and sweet. But… Bud and I… Oh this is so hard. Colonel, we just don’t think we can keep him at the house the rest of the week. I’m trying to find someone here at work to keep him. But if you know of someone, please call me. I’m so sorry."

Mac’s tears started, again.

"Message 3 received at 10:08 today." "Colonel! It’s me, Harriett! Gunny heard me leaving that last message, and he said he’ll be glad to take Jingo the rest of the week! He said you talked about Jingo so much while you and Gunny were on the ship, that he feels like he already knows him. He’s going to come over this evening for dinner and then take Jingo home with him. Isn’t that wonderful?"

"Leave it to Gunny. He’ll come through for me every time," Mac mused.

"Message 4 received at 10:20 today." "Gunny here, Colonel. Lieutenant Sims was looking for someone to take Jingo for the rest of the week, and I offered. I hope that’s all right with you. I pretty well know his routine; you talked a lot about him on the ship. If there’s anything special you want to tell me about him, give me a call. Otherwise, I’ll see you when you get back. Let me know if you need anything, Colonel."

"Message 5 received at 10:35 today." "Mac, it’s me, again. You haven’t called. I really want to talk to you. Please, Mac. Call me."

"Oh, Harm. Give it a rest!" Mac said as she glared at the phone.

"Message 6 received at 10:55 today." "Hello, Mac. Haven’t talked to you for a while. Just wondered if you might like some company down there? My retirement is set for the end of the year now. I thought maybe we could get together. Call me at Quantico if you want a visitor. I can take off tomorrow and be there by 10:00. We can have the whole weekend; pick up where we left off years ago."

"Oh, John…" How could they possibly pick up where they left off all those years ago in Okinawa? John Farrow wasn’t the man she wanted. Not now. But he obviously wanted her.

"Message 7 received at 11:33 today." "Maaaac, call me!"

John would take care of her. He would love her. He would never hurt her. He would never walk out on her. He would support her. And he’d never…

"What? Back up…back up!" she yelled at the phone, as she pushed buttons to make it repeat the eighth message. She’d missed it while she was thinking about John Farrow.

"Message 8 received at 11:58 today." "About damn time I got through. Hello, Mac. AJ Chegwidden here. Just checking to see how you’re doing. Give me a call if you get this message before 1330. I’ll be leaving then."

Mac grabbed for the receiver and dialed JAG Headquarters. It was 1332. "Oh God, please still be there. Please, please, please…"

"JAG Ops, Petty Officer Tiner speaking."

"Tiner, it’s Colonel MacKenzie. Is the Admiral there? He asked me to call him."

"No, Ma’am, you just missed him. He left not 3 minutes ago."

"Going home, Tiner? What about his cell phone?" she asked in a rush.

"No, Ma’am. Heading to Andrews. He’s on leave until Monday, Ma’am. And he left his cell phone here. On purpose. He said he didn’t want the SecNav bothering him. I have a number where he can be reached, Ma’am. But he told me I was only to open the envelope in case of a national disaster. I’m sorry, Colonel. Oh, Commander Rabb has been trying to reach you, too."

Mac sighed. "Thanks, anyway, Tiner. If he happens to call, let him know I returned his call, would you? And I don’t want to talk to Harm until I get back to the office."

"Of course, Ma’am."

"Thanks, Tiner."

"No problem, Colonel."

"Colonel?" Harm said hearing Tiner’s voice carry out into the bullpen. "Is that Mac? I want to talk to her. Put her in my office, Tiner!"

"Sorry, Commander, she already hung up," Tiner said.

"Damn! Why won’t she call me?" Harm muttered and walked back to his office.

"Thanks, again, Tiner," Mac said.

"Hope you’re enjoying your leave, Ma’am," Tiner said quietly. "We’ll see you when you get back."

Thursday, 4 October 2001
1515 EDT
Andrews Air Force Base

Admiral Chegwidden boarded the transport plane. The Air Force pilot turned around and saluted him, "Good afternoon, Admiral. I understand you want to get to St. Martin by this evening, Sir?"

"That’s correct, Captain."

"Shouldn’t be a problem, Sir. I have to make a stop in Texas, and then I’m free to take you wherever you need to go, Sir."

"That’ll be just fine," the Admiral returned.

Thursday, 4 October 2001
1835 EDT
Papagayo’s, Club Orient
St. Martin, French Caribbean

Mac walked in to the restaurant dressed in a short sarong-style wrap.  She saw Barbara waving at her, so she walked over and sat down at their table.  "I love your sarong," said Barbara.

"Thanks."

"You know, it's really sexy to wear it so it only covers one breast.  Even better to leave them both bare," suggested Barbara.

Mac flushed.  "I think I’ll stick to wearing it like this, thanks. It’s one thing to go topless on the beach; it’s another thing entirely to do it in a building. It’s just not me, I guess," Mac said as she sat down.

"How did you happen to come here then?" asked Dave.

"A friend of mine suggested it. But he didn’t mention the clothing-optional part. He probably knew I’d go elsewhere. I guess he wanted me to loosen up a little!" she chuckled.

"Well, have you?" he asked pointedly.

Mac smiled. "Not much, I’m afraid. Look, I don’t want to intrude on your time. I just thought I’d come and say hello. And Barbara, I do appreciate your offer this afternoon. Thank you for caring enough to ask." Mac could tell Dave wasn’t happy with her there, so she made her excuses and left the table.

"Dave, that was rude," Mac heard Barbara say to her husband. "She seems like a very nice young woman. And she was just starting to open up and be friendly. And you…"

"She doesn’t want to be here, Barb. She thinks we’re freaks."

"That’s not true, Dave. If you’ll be so good as to remember the first year we came here, you never did go without clothes…not the entire week!"

Mac smiled as she continued walking away. ‘Give him hell, Barb!’

Mac took a seat at the bar and ordered her usual tonic water with a twist of lime. "Not much of a drink for so much of a lady," a male voice spoke close to her ear.

Mac wheeled around on the barstool and faced the man. "This lady doesn’t need anything stronger. She also doesn’t need you," she dismissed him, turning back around and thanking the bartender.

"I guess she told you, Will," said the bartender. "Best leave her alone now. Go on back to your wife." Will sulked away, and the bartender turned back to Mac. "He doesn’t mean any harm. His wife likes to come here every year; I think she enjoys all the men staring at her. But Will? He’s clueless. He doesn’t even look at her. Looks at everyone else, but not his own wife. Not a very bright man, if you ask me."

Mac smiled and sipped her drink. The bartender continued, "You’re here alone, aren’t you?" He didn’t wait for Mac to answer. "No ring either. How’d you stay single so long? Damn, the men where you live must be blind."

Mac chuckled. "No, they’re not blind. They’re just… what was your word for Will? Clueless? That’s a good word. They’re clueless. Well, at least he’s clueless. But I guess it’s better that way, since I can’t have him," Mac mused. "Thanks for the drink." She got up and took a table. "Might as well have dinner while I’m in here."

Thursday, 4 October 2001
2215 EDT
Chalet #62, Club Orient
St. Martin, French Caribbean

When she got back to her room, there were five more messages from Harm, two from Harriett, and one from John Farrow. Nothing from the Admiral. Nothing from Tiner for the Admiral. "Damn," she grumbled. "I guess I'd better call John."

She found his number in her wallet, and dialed the phone.

"Farrow," he answered.

"Hello, John. It's Mac," she said.

"Mac! Good to hear from you. So, how's island life treating you?"

"It's wonderful, John. Very relaxing. I've done a lot of thinking this week."

"Have you thought about us?" he asked quietly.

"John, I care about you. Really, I do. But I just can't…"

"Enough said, Mac," he interrupted her. "I don't want to push you; I just wanted to be sure you knew the offer was open. I'd love to have you back. You change your mind, you call me, okay?"

"Thank you, John. You're a wonderful man."

"Bye, Mac."

Mac hung up the phone. How she wished that offer was from AJ Chegwidden. She played back his message from this morning.

"Message 8 received at 11:58 today." "About damn time I got through. Hello, Mac. AJ Chegwidden here. Just checking to see how you’re doing. Give me a call if you get this message before 1330. I’ll be leaving then."

She played it again, and again. She couldn’t get enough of his voice. His gruff, sexy voice. "Oh, God! I miss him; I want him so much." Her eyes filled with tears, again. "No! I will not cry, again. He’s not mine; he never will be. He’s too good for me." ‘Maybe so, but I can have him in my dreams. I can have him in my fantasies.'

Thursday, 4 October 2001
2220 EDT
Registration Desk, Club Orient
St. Martin, French Caribbean

"Can you direct me to Beach Chalet #62, please?" the Admiral requested, setting his duffel on the ground. ‘Thank God I changed clothes before I came here. What was Mac thinking? Coming to a nudist colony? Didn’t she say Webb recommended this place? Damn him!’

"Yes, of course, Sir. Lydia will be glad to escort you there," the receptionist said. "Lydia! Come take this gentleman to 62."

Lydia walked over to him and eyed him up and down. "Mmm, can’t wait to see you out of those clothes," she purred.

AJ gulped. ‘Oh God. This was a mistake. This was a huge mistake.’ AJ picked up his duffel, and Lydia took his arm and pulled him along.

"Come on. I’ll show you 62. That is unless you’d like to share my bungalow. I don’t have anyone for tonight. And you’d do very nicely."

"62, please," AJ said huskily.

"Suit yourself," replied Lydia as she led him out the back door and down the path to the beach chalets.

When they reached Mac’s chalet, AJ was just about to knock when he heard Mac’s voice coming through the open window.  He listened and it soon became evident that this was not a good time to make his presence known.  She obviously had company, and he wouldn’t be welcome. ‘So much for my brilliant idea to come down here and check on her. She’s doing just fine. Who the hell is in there with her? Damn, I wish it was me!’

AJ turned to Lydia and said, "Well, I guess I’ll be needing a room after all."

She smiled. "Mine?" she purred, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling his head down to her lips.

"Yours will be just fine, Darlin’." AJ wrapped his free arm around Lydia’s waist and they headed for her bungalow.

Friday, 5 October 2001
0530 EDT
Lydia’s Bungalow, Club Orient
St. Martin, French Caribbean

AJ awoke to find Lydia spooned up beside him.  He slid off the end of the bed, and got dressed. He tried to be quiet, but Lydia still woke up. "You’re a light sleeper, Darlin’," he said walking over to her and kissing her on the forehead.

"Comes from living in a bungalow with no lock on the door," she joked. "You leaving already?"

"Just going for a run. I run 10 miles every morning," he explained.

"Oh. Well, I have to be at the restaurant at 6:30, so I’ll probably be gone when you get back. Just make yourself at home. Use the shower, whatever. I imagine you won’t be staying, hmm?" she asked, nodding her head toward the beach chalets.

"No, I don’t think so," he shook his head. "Didn’t sound to me like she needs me barging in on her vacation."

"Well, do stop by Papagayo’s before you leave and say goodbye, okay?" she requested.

"I can do that," AJ agreed. He bent down and kissed her hard on the mouth. "You were pretty fantastic last night. Thanks."

"You’re welcome. You were awfully good, yourself."

Friday, 5 October 2001
0625 EDT
Chalet #62, Club Orient
St. Martin, French Caribbean

Mac looked out the front window and saw a man running along the beach. She opened the door and stood watching him. He was fully clothed, so she decided he must not be staying here at the Orient. Watching him reminded her of the Admiral. "He’s tall and muscular, just like AJ," she said to no one. "God, I miss him so much. Hell, I want him so much!"

She decided she needed a run. She hadn’t been running every day on her leave like she did at home.  She dressed and went outside.  Just as she began her run, AJ finished his and headed back to Lydia’s bungalow and the shower. When he was dressed, he decided to call Mac’s room. So what if he woke the guy up. "Good! I hope I do," he muttered. But Mac wasn’t there and he got the voice mail, again. He realized that she was very probably there and just didn’t answer the phone. "Probably in the middle of it, again. Would be if it was me in there with her, that’s for damn sure!"

"Mac, AJ Chegwidden. Just checking on you, again. I’m on leave this weekend, but I wanted to be sure you’re okay. Didn’t bring my cell phone with me, so you can’t call me back. I’m sure you’re fine. I won’t bother you, again."

AJ hung up the phone and headed for the restaurant.

Friday, 5 October 2001
0715 EDT
Papagayo’s, Club Orient
St. Martin, French Caribbean

AJ sat at a table on the patio of the restaurant. Lydia brought him a cup of coffee. "What would you like to eat?" she asked.

"Three eggs over easy, toast buttered, no jelly, 6 strips of bacon, and a glass of OJ."

"Coming right up," Lydia said as she ran her fingers over his bald head. "Mmm, I do love a man with a bald head," she purred.

"Lydia! Stop flirting and get in here!" yelled the cook.

AJ looked out toward the beach and saw a woman running. She was fully clothed, so he decided she must not belong here. ‘Probably doesn’t even know this is a nude beach.’ Watching her reminded him of Mac. "She’s tall and perfectly shaped, just like Mac," he said to no one. "God, I miss her so much. Damn, I want her so much!" ‘So? Why are you going to leave then? Go to her, you idiot. Tell her! Show her! Make her yours.’

Friday, 5 October 2001
0755 EDT
Chalet #62, Club Orient
St. Martin, French Caribbean

Mac listened to her voice mail and heard AJ’s message. "Damn it!" she swore. "The one day I go running and I miss his call." Mac dialed the number for JAG Ops.

"JAG Ops, Gunnery Sergeant Galindez speaking."

"Morning, Gunny. Did the Admiral call in?"

"Good morning, Colonel. No, the Admiral’s on leave until Monday, Ma’am."

"Yes, I know that. I just thought he might have called. He left me a message yesterday to call him. I didn’t catch him before he left. It sounded important. So I thought he might have called back."

"No, Ma’am. But if he does call, I’ll be sure he knows you tried to reach him."

"Thanks, Gunny. How's Jingo?"

"Doing great, Ma'am. We're getting along just fine."

"I'm glad. Thanks so much for taking him for me, Gunny. I really do appreciate it." Mac hung up the phone. "Damn, damn, damn!"

Mac decided to have breakfast out on the beach this morning. She got all of her beach paraphernalia together and walked outside. She chose the same spot as she’d occupied the rest of the week. She laid everything down, and then headed for the restaurant.

When she arrived, AJ had just gone inside to say goodbye to Lydia. Mac ordered her breakfast through the take-out window. The cook said he’d have Lydia bring it to her on the beach. Mac gave him her name and told him where she was sitting. Then she headed back to her spot.

When her order was ready, the cook yelled, "Lydia! Beach order up! Her name is Mac and she’s down in front of 62."

AJ’s head jerked up from Lydia’s mouth when the cook said Mac’s name. "That’s her, isn’t it?" asked Lydia quietly.

AJ nodded. "Yes."

"Want to take her breakfast to her?"

"Them, Lydia. It’s bound to be them, not her. And no, I don’t care to see him."

"Hey, Jimmy! Is that beach order for one person or two?" Lydia yelled to the cook.

"One. Gorgeous woman," the cook answered. "Come on, hurry up before it’s all cold."

"It’s just her. You sure you don’t want to take it?" Lydia asked AJ, again.

"Lydia," he began.

"Oh! You do know my name," she said. "I wondered, when you called me Mac last night."

AJ stared at her. "I’m sorry about that, Lydia. To my knowledge, I’ve never done that before. Called a woman by a different name."

"That’s why you say Darlin’. It’s safer. I know your type," she smirked.

AJ flushed slightly. "You caught me. Twice!"

"Take her breakfast to her. Let her at least make the choice. The guy last night may well have been a substitute. Just like I was. At least find out," she encouraged him.

"Okay. Give me the food." AJ took the tray of food and walked down the beach to find Mac. She was sitting with her back to him, and was obviously topless. ‘Oh God,’ he moaned inwardly. He walked up and knelt beside her to lay the tray on the beach blanket. "Your breakfast," he said.

"Thank you," she said not looking up. Then AJ noticed that she had her eyes closed. "Ever notice how if you don’t look at someone, they can be anyone you want them to be? Like you. Your voice sounds just like him. And as long as I don’t see you, you are him."

AJ was stunned. Could she really be thinking of him? Was it his own voice that she was making herself think she heard, and in actuality, had heard? No, he couldn’t be that lucky. But he had to know. He couldn’t stand not knowing any longer. "Then don’t open your eyes. And let me be him for you," AJ offered.

"What do you mean?" she asked, unsure. AJ picked up her hand and kissed her fingertips. "Oooh, that’s nice."

Then he brought her hand to his face and let her run her fingers across his cheek and jaw…then his eyes, his ears, his head. His head?! His bald head? Mac’s eyes flew open. "AJ! I… um… I mean, Admiral. What are you doing here, Sir?" Mac stuttered.

AJ smiled and cupped her face in his hand.  "Considering the circumstances, Mac, I think ‘AJ’ is more appropriate, don’t you?" And he leaned in and kissed her mouth. As he pushed her down on the beach blanket, he commented, "Your breakfast is getting cold." 

"Who needs breakfast when I have you?" she mumbled.

"Mac, are you sure about this? This is me, you know. Chegwidden. Not Rabb." AJ was looking deep into her eyes.

"I don’t want Harm. I want you. I’ve wanted you for so long. But I knew I could never have you. I wasn’t good enough for you. I’m not good enough."

"What do you mean, you're not good enough? Mac, I've dreamed of having you in my arms. But I knew you'd never want me. You're young and beautiful; I'm old and bald."

"Oh, AJ. You're not old. And I love your bald head," she purred as she rubbed her hand over it, again. "AJ, it's against regs; I know that. But, please. Take me inside and make love to me. Just this once. And I’ll never ask, again. I’ll leave JAG if need be; I won’t tell a soul."

"I won't let you leave JAG, Mac. You're too fine a lawyer. I'll be the one who leaves." Mac shook her head. "No? You're telling me no?" he asked in his command voice.

"You can't leave, AJ. JAG is what it is today because of you. Because of your leadership. You can't leave now."

AJ rose to his knees and scooping Mac up in his arms, stood and headed for her chalet. "We'll discuss this later." When he went directly to #62, she looked at him questioningly. "I stopped by here last night," he explained. "You were, um, busy. With someone else. So I didn’t knock."

"With someone else? AJ, I haven’t been with anyone else this whole week. I mean not even so much as having dinner with anyone. I’ve been a total recluse."

"Mac, we heard you. It was very obvious you were in the throes of passion, pleasure. There was no question."

"At 2232?" she asked.

"Yes, about that," he smirked. Only Mac would know exactly what time it had been.

"You’re right.  But I was by myself, AJ.  In the bathtub, alone, with the whirlpool jets."

"Alone?" he asked.

"Pretty intense jets," she quipped.

"Oh, God. Mac, I…"

"So what did you do, get a room somewhere? I wish you’d knocked or called."

He hesitated. Could he tell her? Should he tell her? "I stayed with Lydia, Mac," he confessed.

"Lydia? You mean the waitress at Papagayo’s?" Mac asked incredulously. AJ nodded. "You know her?"

"I do now," he said with a smirk. "Met her last night. She showed me where your chalet was."

"She’s the ‘we’ who heard me? You and she?" Mac clarified. AJ nodded, again. "And so you just left with her because you thought I was with someone else?"

"Mac, I…"

"You thought someone else was with me, so you went with her. Is that about the size of it?" AJ nodded. "I see. Thank you for being honest with me." AJ set her down and opened the door. She didn't move. "Well, you had a one-night stand with Lydia last night. Think I'll be acceptable for daytime activities?" she asked, a hint of bitterness in her tone.

AJ didn't speak. He just looked at her and took her face in his hands.

"I swear, AJ, I’ll never say a word. I’ll lie under oath for you. I will not ever tell a soul." Mac’s tears were threatening. "Please, take me now," she begged as she pulled him inside the chalet. She closed the door behind them.

Mac walked into the bedroom and laid in the middle of the bed. "Are you coming?" she asked. Then she heard the door creak as it opened and closed. "AJ?" she called. "AJ!" Mac ran to the door and flung it open, only to see him walking toward the beach. "AJ!" she yelled. He hesitated when he heard her, but he kept walking.

Friday, 5 October 2001
1015 EDT
Chalet #62, Club Orient
St. Martin, French Caribbean

Mac had watched him until he was just a dot and then he was gone. She went back inside and slammed the door. "Now I've done it! He'll bring me up on charges for everything from indecent exposure to fraternization to conduct unbecoming!" Mac wailed. "I can't believe I said those things to him!  I stood here and threw myself at him, and he walked away from me. Oh God, what do I do now? I leave. That's what I do. I resign my commission, and I leave. That's all there is to do. Obviously."

Mac's mind was made up. She would stay here for the rest of her vacation, only today and tomorrow; her flight home was on Sunday. When she got home on Sunday, she'd go straight to the office and write her letter of resignation. It would be on his desk when he arrived on Monday morning.

That decided, Mac walked back out to the beach and laid down on her beach blanket. "Want some company?" a male voice asked her. Mac looked up to see a handsome man kneel before her. "You haven't looked approachable this week, until today, that is. Are you wanting some company now?" he asked, again.

"Yes, I am, actually," she said with a smile. "I would love some company. Inside company. Are you up to the task?" Mac asked him.

The man grinned wolfishly. "Always for a gorgeous woman like you, Honey." He held out his hand to help her stand up. "Shall we?"

Mac led him back to her chalet. "Just what do you think you're doing?" AJ bellowed from behind them.

Mac and the other man turned around. "I'd say that's none of your business, mister. The lady is with me," he said.

"I think you're mistaken. The lady belongs to me," AJ said firmly, glaring at him.

"I don't belong to anyone," Mac said quickly. "Certainly not to you. You left. You walked away and left me. You don't want me. So I found someone who does. Leave me alone, AJ. I'll be out of your life come Monday, anyway. So just leave me alone!" Mac's tears were flowing down her cheeks as she opened the door and ran inside.

AJ looked at the other man, whose expression had changed to understanding as Mac spoke. "We had a disagreement earlier," AJ explained. "If you don't mind…" and AJ entered the chalet and closed the door. He found Mac sprawled across her bed crying her heart out.

AJ went in the bedroom and laid next to her and stroked her hair. Mac was still crying.  "Why will you be out of my life come Monday, Mac?" he asked gently.

"I'm resigning," she said flatly.

"I don't want you to do that, Mac."

"You don't want me. You don't respect me professionally. You don't want me privately. And I can't see you every day and know that anymore. I can't. I'm not that strong," she sobbed.

"How can you say I don't respect you professionally? Mac, you're my Chief of Staff! Of course I respect you! You're one of the best lawyers I've got. You're certainly the best COS I've ever had. And hell, look at the success you had on your TDY this year! I've been fighting off Generals for months! They all want you on their staffs, and I'm not willing to let you go."

Mac turned teary eyes to him. "They have?" she croaked. "Why?"

AJ chuckled. "Mac, you are in great demand right now. You certainly have no reason to resign. If you put in a request to leave my staff, there'd be very little room for me to deny it. But, please, Mac. Don't do that to me. None of the offers have been worthy of your abilities. If there were one, I'd have told you about it. There was one offer that included a promotion, but it's a dead-end location. You'd be stuck there forever. And you're General material, Mac. I'm not willing to have you get stuck as a Colonel, not even a bird Colonel. There are several offers I sent back and told them I'd consider presenting them to you if they included a promotion. I expect to hear back from them within the month…"

"No, I meant why aren't you willing to let me go?" she whispered through her tears.

"Because I don't want to be without you," he answered honestly. "When you're not in the office, I'm miserable. I can't stand weekends anymore, because I don't get my 'Mac fix'. I don't quite know what I'll do when you move on and leave JAG," he confessed. He moved his hand from her hair to her face and cupped her cheek, rubbing his thumb along her lips. "Mac, I don’t want to lose you. Even more, I don't want to hurt you."

"Then love me. Make love to me. Now," she begged.

"Are you absolutely certain this is what you want, Mac?" he asked.

"Yes," she gulped.

She wanted this. She wanted him. And he wasn’t about to make her unhappy, again.  Afterward, Mac whispered to him, "Oh, AJ. You’re so wonderful. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted. I love you so."   And she fell asleep.

‘She loves me? Did she just say that? She said she loves me! Oh God! What have I done?’ were AJ’s last thoughts before he, too, fell asleep.

Friday, 5 October 2001
1930 EDT
Alizéa’s Restaurant
St. Martin, French Caribbean

AJ and Mac sat at the romantic table for two on the terrace. The chef came out to introduce himself and explain the menu. "Bonsoir, Madame et Monsieur. Je m'appelle Laurent Guyon. Bienvenue à Alizéa."

Mac surprised AJ, by replying, "Merci beaucoup. Nous sommes heureux d'être ici et nous sommes surtout vraiment impatient de goûter votre superbe cuisine."

The chef was delighted with Mac’s French. "Ah, la dame parle Français! Merveilleux!  Passez-vous un bon moment sur notre splendide île?"

"Fantastique. Cet endroit est absolument exquis. Tellement paisible et reposant," she replied.

"Où êtes vous et votre mari descendus?" he asked.

"Au Club Orient."

"Vraiment!  Quel charmant endroit. Et j'aurais bien adoré vous y voir . Je suis surpris que votre mari autorise d'autres hommes à poser leurs yeux sur vous, vous êtes si belle."

"Merci," Mac flushed her embarrassment.

The chef sensed Mac’s discomfiture and AJ’s impatience. "Je vais expliquer le menu maintenant. Est-ce que votre mari préférerait que je vous parle à vous ou à lui en Anglais?"

"Oui.  A lui, s'il vous plait en Anglais."

The chef explained the menu to AJ, describing each delectable dish in amazing detail, yet simplicity. AJ chose the roasted sea scallop appetizers and mahi mahi with fennel and sweet potatoes for their entrées.

The conversation between Mac and the chef, translated in English, follows:

"Good evening, Madam and Sir.  My name is Laurent Guyon.  Welcome to Alizéa."

Mac surprised AJ, by replying, "Thank you very much. We're happy to be here and looking forward to your superb cooking."

The chef was delighted with Mac’s French. "Ah, the lady speaks French!  That is wonderful!  And are you enjoying your visit to this beautiful island?"

"Very much.  It is truly an exquisite location.  So peaceful and quiet," she replied.

"Where are you and your husband staying?" he asked.

"At the Club Orient."

"Really!  What a lovely place.  And I would indeed love to see you there.  I am surprised your husband would want to allow other men to gaze upon you, you are so beautiful."

"Thank you, " Mac flushed her embarrassment.

The chef sensed Mac’s discomfiture and AJ’s impatience. "I will explain the menu now.  Would your husband prefer that I speak to you or to him in English?"

"Yes, please.  To him, in English."

When the chef returned to the kitchen, AJ asked Mac what they had discussed. "Oh, nothing much. He asked if we were enjoying the island, where we were staying, that sort of thing," Mac hedged.

"I distinctly heard him say ‘belle’. Isn’t that ‘beautiful’?" Mac nodded. "Was he hitting on you, Mac?" AJ asked, irritably.

"No, AJ. He just wondered why my husband would want to share…" Mac stopped and flushed, again.

"I get the picture, Mac," AJ said reaching out to take her hand in his. He brought it to his lips and kissed her palm. "And if you were my wife, he’s right, I wouldn’t want to share you. Not even just a glimpse of you," he whispered. "I guess you told him we’re not married?" Mac lowered her head and tried to take her hand back. AJ held it firmly. He smiled. "You didn’t tell him?" Mac shook her head. "That makes me proud, Mac. That you would want someone to think that you’re mine."

"Il n'y a rien que je ne desire plus, AJ," she said softly. ‘There’s nothing I want more,’ she repeated to herself in English.

Saturday, 6 October 2001
0935 EDT
Chalet #62, Club Orient
St. Martin, French Caribbean

AJ and Mac had spent a glorious night out on the town Friday night. They ate at the finest restaurant on the island, they danced at the best club, and they made love until they fell asleep from exhaustion. 

Now morning, Mac was spooned up beside AJ. 

"I love you, Mac," he whispered in her ear. "This isn’t going to end here; I won’t let it."

Sunday, 7 October 2001
1830 EDT
Chegwidden Residence
McLean, Virginia

Mac pulled up in front of AJ’s house and turned off the power. "We’re back to the real world," she said sadly.

"Mac, I don’t want to lose you."

"Don’t say it, AJ. Please. You know we can’t. We can’t see each other anymore. I promise you, I’ll never tell a soul what happened in St. Martin. No one knows you were there, and no one will learn it from me."

"Mac, come inside," he asked.

"I can’t. If I go inside, I won’t leave until we’ve made love. And if we do it here, at your house, I’ll never be able to step foot in there, again. It’s going to be hard enough, AJ, to work with you. But I won’t, I can’t…" she tried to be brave. She tried not to let the tears fall. But fall they did. "I have to go, AJ. I have to. Please. Let me leave."

AJ got out of her car and picked up his duffel from the back. Mac backed her car out of his driveway and left him standing there.

Tuesday, 9 October 2001
1130 EDT
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, Virginia

Harm knocked on Mac's office door and opened it before she had a chance to respond. "Lunch?" he asked. "My treat."

Mac looked up at him. "I wasn't going to break for lunch today, Harm. I have a lot to catch up on."

"It can wait. You need a break and you need to eat. And we need to talk; you've avoided me long enough."

Knowing she couldn't put it off any longer, she agreed. As she and Harm headed out of the bullpen, he slipped his arm around her waist and guided her out the door. The Admiral watched them leave from his outer office. 'Damn. She's back with Rabb now.'

"Where to?" asked Harm as he pulled his SUV out of the parking lot.

"If it's my choice, it's Beltway Burgers," said Mac.

"Dead cow. All right," he agreed. "I can always get a salad."

"You shouldn't have asked," she replied. "You know that's always my choice at lunch."

"Mac, what is it? What's wrong? We were on eggshells before you left. Then you wouldn't call me back last week. And now it's like, well, it's almost like we're total strangers. But it isn't just me. You're that way with everyone since you came back from leave. What happened down there?"

Mac looked at him sharply. "None of your business, Harm."

"Mac, I just want to help."

"You can't help. No one can help. So just drop it. I'm sorry if you don't think I'm being friendly; I'll work on it. But I do not want to talk about it. Period. End of discussion."

"Mac, let me just say one thing. Please? Will you listen and not be mad?" Harm asked.

She glared at him. "One."

"I'm here for you. When you're ready to talk, I'm here and I want to help. Even if it's just to listen to you vent. Mac, you're very special to me; you're the best friend I've ever had, and I don't want to lose that, again. I've hurt you, and I don't ever want to do that, again, either. I know you aren't interested in a relationship with me now; I can take a hint," he grinned. "But I love you, and I want the best for you. And if it's someone else, that's fine. But I don't want to see you hurt, again. So be careful, okay? Go slow."

"It's too late for that," she whispered.

"I was afraid of that. Someone you met on the island?" he asked. She shook her head. "Someone you already knew?" She nodded. "Want to talk about it?"

"No," she said simply. "I can't. It's still too fresh. It still hurts too much." Mac looked up at him. "I'm sorry, Harm. I can't discuss this anymore." A tear slid out of the corner of her eye and down her cheek. Harm reached up and wiped it away.

"Ah, Mac. I'm sorry. I wish it could have been different for you."

Friday, 12 October 2001
1430 EDT
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, Virginia

AJ paced in his office. Mac had avoided him all week. Even when he summoned her to his office, she’d been all business. She wouldn’t even talk about their time in St. Martin. And from what he overheard during the week, she was rather close-mouthed about her entire leave. Everyone knew she’d been to St. Martin. Everyone knew by now that the Club Orient was a clothing-optional resort. ‘Hell, it’s a nudist camp!’ AJ mused. What they didn’t know was whether Mac had "gone optional".

AJ had called her at home Sunday night after she dropped him off. She wouldn’t pick up the phone. He called her Monday night, and Tuesday night. He even tried calling her on her cell phone on Wednesday when she was at Quantico taking a deposition. He knew that Mac could tell it was him calling. Her caller ID told her that. On Thursday night, he called from Tiner’s desk after everyone else had left. But Mac was too smart for that trick. She knew Tiner left before she did that day, so it had to be the Admiral calling. Sure enough, it was his voice that left a message.

And now it was Friday. It was a week ago that he’d first made love to her. And he missed her. Desperately. And now this. Now he was going to lose her forever. Lose her to General Ayres and the Marine Corps Forces in Europe. AJ didn’t want to present the offer to her. He knew Mac would accept it. Hell, she’d accept anything right now, just to get out of JAG. Just to get away from him. In fact, he’d already told Ayres to plan on having her, and her orders were already cut for her new assignment.

"Tiner!" he said over the intercom. "Tell Colonel MacKenzie I want to see her in my office when she’s free. No rush, but before she leaves for the day."

"Aye, aye, Sir."

Friday, 12 October 2001
1645 EDT
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, Virginia

"Enter!" AJ barked when he heard the knock on his door. The door opened and Mac entered. She left the door open, walked up to his desk, and came to attention stance.

"Colonel MacKenzie reporting as ordered, Sir."

"Close the hatch, and have a seat, Mac," he said looking up at her with longing evident in his eyes.

"I’d prefer the door to stay open, Sir," she said boldly.

"That wasn’t a request, Colonel. Close the hatch and sit."

Mac bit her lip as she turned around and closed the door. When she came back and sat down, AJ had stood up and was staring out the window. She sat quietly, waiting for him to say something. Finally after several minutes, she cleared her throat. He didn’t turn around, but he spoke. "I’m sorry for what happened, Mac. It was my fault. I take full responsibility for it. If you decide to file charges, I would appreciate a little advance warning. Not that I deserve it. Not that you are required to do so. But if you see your way clear, I would be grateful."

"I’m not…" she started to speak, but AJ kept talking. He didn’t turn around. He didn’t look at her. He continued to stare out the window. As he said his next words, Mac’s eyes filled with tears and they threatened to spill over.

"I’m sorry I’ve bothered you this week, Mac. I know now that last weekend meant nothing to you. I should never have pursued it after we got back to the States. Believe me, Mac, I won’t mention it, again. But, that’s in the past; now for your future. I’m sure you know of Lieutenant General Raymond Ayres? He commands the Marine Corps Forces in Europe and the Atlantic. He’s one of the Generals I mentioned who was making a play to get you on his staff. I told him that I wouldn’t consider the offer without a promotion. He came back with that today."

AJ turned around and picked up a piece of paper from his desk. He handed it to Mac, but still wouldn’t look at her. "Your transfer orders, Colonel. Effective 29 October, you’ll report directly to Ayres, though you’ll work under Brigadier General Thomas Benes. He’s Ayres’ Chief of Staff." AJ pushed a file folder in front of her. "The job is detailed in there. You’ll relocate to Germany. Because you’ll require time to get packed and moved, you’re on leave as of 20 October. I’ll make the announcement at JAG on Monday at 0930. The SecNav will be present and so will General Ayres. He’s agreed to serve your promotion early so you can wear your eagles at JAG for your last week here. That’ll be all, Colonel. Dismissed." When he finished speaking, he turned back to the window.

Mac was heartbroken. He was sending her away. He couldn’t even stand to look at her anymore. Her tears were streaming down her cheeks and had been for several minutes. But he didn’t care. He didn’t notice. He just wanted her gone. Mac stood and walked to the door. As she put her hand on the knob and turned it, she whispered so softly he couldn’t possibly hear her. "I love you, AJ."

When she had left his office, he whispered after her, "I love you, Mac." A single tear trailed down his cheek and splashed on his shirt.

Monday, 15 October 2001
0945 EDT
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, Virginia

AJ made the announcement that Mac was leaving, the General made the announcement that he was promoting her, and the SecNav challenged her with her new oath of office and presented her new eagles. Mac made it through all of this without shedding a tear, but also without cracking a smile. Even when the SecNav asked Harm to do the honors, she stood straight and tall. Harm kissed her on the mouth, much to everyone’s surprise, but Mac didn’t even flinch. That surprised them even more.

Mac was in pain, and it was now very obvious to every one of the JAG staff. She was worse off now than before she left for her TDY when Mic had broken their engagement and returned to Australia. She hadn’t been the same since she returned from her vacation in St. Martin. Something happened there, they all knew it. But none of them had a clue what happened; none of them, except Harm. They tried to be happy for Mac, to put up a front so maybe she’d snap out of it. But nothing seemed to work.

AJ and General Ayres went back to AJ’s office. "AJ, I’m a little concerned about the Colonel’s attitude. She doesn’t seem at all pleased with this new assignment. I thought you said she would be delighted."

"She is, Ray. She’s had a hard few months. Broken engagement, love affair gone sour, and now she’s going to be leaving her friends here at JAG. She’s been here for five years; that’s a long time," AJ explained.

"I hope you’re right. I hope she snaps out of it soon. I need her in top form."

"Ray, I can guarantee you, Mac will be in top form when she reports for duty. There’s no doubt in my mind," AJ said with assurance. And he was right.

Sunday, 31 March 2002
0835 EST
On the Beach, Club Orient
St. Martin, French Caribbean

Mac was glad to be back in St. Martin. She hadn’t minded working through the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays; it gave her something to do and kept her mind occupied. She’d been pretty much of a recluse since she arrived in Germany, though she had performed her duties exceptionally well. The Generals were well pleased with her.

The officers and enlisted personnel under her command seemed to think well of her, too. She looked after her people well; she took care of them. And she never left one behind. No matter what. She'd even risked her own life to bring a Private out under heavy fire, a man they all knew was already dead. After that, her people would do anything for her. They would follow her to the end of the earth and back, again. They just wished she would let them.

Mac knew that the Generals were a mite concerned about her, though. She never socialized with anyone. She always stayed pretty much to herself, except when she was on a mission. General Ayres had finally had to order her to take Easter week off and rest. She’d been on call 24 hours a day for almost five months. Not that she was called every night, but five nights out of every week was too much for anyone. But she insisted she be the one on call.

Mac sat on the beach and let the wind blow through her hair. She raised her arms up over her head and stretched. She looked out over the water and was mesmerized by the waves crashing in on the shore, just as she had been five months ago. She didn’t notice the people walking by. She didn’t care that men and women stared at her; she didn’t even realize they were, not any more than she had then. All the memories of that weekend in October flooded back. "Oh, AJ," she whispered into the wind. "How I wish you were here with me."

Mac got up and headed for her chalet. Number 64 this time. 62 was already booked, much to Mac’s disappointment. So she had agreed to the one next door. It was close enough.

As she reached her door, she turned and saw a man running along the beach. He wore a thong; she realized that was simply for protection. Running any distance with his privates unprotected would be a foolish thing for any man to do. Watching him reminded her of AJ. "He’s tall and muscular, just like AJ. He’s even bald. But AJ would never be here, again. And he’d certainly not be wearing a thong," she said to no one. "God, I miss him so much."

Mac decided to have breakfast out on the beach this morning. She walked over to Papagayo’s and ordered her breakfast through the take-out window. The cook said he’d have it delivered to her on the beach. Mac gave him her name and told him where she was sitting. Then she headed back to her spot.

When her order was ready, the cook yelled, "Beach order up! Her name is Mac and she’s down in front of 64."

"I’ll take it," a male voice said to the cook.

Mac was lying on her back with her knees bent and her eyes closed. When a shadow crossed in front of her and lingered, she said, "That better be my breakfast."

"Yes, it is. Your breakfast."

"Thank you," she said not looking up. She had a sense of déjà vu. "Ever notice how if you don’t look at someone, they can be anyone you want them to be? Like you. Your voice sounds just like him. And as long as I don’t see you, you are him. The man of my dreams. The only man I’ve ever loved. The only man I want."

"Then don’t open your eyes. And let me be him for you."

He picked up her hand and kissed her fingertips as he had before. Then he brought her hand to his face and let her run her fingers across his cheek and jaw…then his eyes, his ears, his head. Mac’s eyes flew open. "AJ! You’re here? It’s you? It’s really you?" Mac stuttered and she looked at him. She was amazed to see that all he was wearing was a thong. "It was you! I saw you running this morning," she said.

AJ smiled and cupped her face in his hand, just as he had five months before. "Yes, Mac, it’s really me. I had no idea you were here this week. What a wonderful surprise." And he leaned in and took possession of her mouth.  "Your breakfast is getting cold," he murmured.

"Who needs breakfast when I have you?" she answered back.

AJ rose to his knees and scooping Mac up in his arms, stood and headed for the chalet. When he went directly to #62, she looked at him questioningly. "Is there a problem?" he asked quietly.

"I’m in #64 this time. 62 was already booked," she said softly.

"I’m in #62, Mac," he smiled.

The End.